Why I’ll NEVER Be OK With Keeping A Romantic Relationship On The Down Low…

I’ve come to realize that shame is one of my most triggering emotions, as is the case for many trauma survivors. It’s actually pretty weird when you sit and think about it. There’s truly no reason why any victim of child abuse (sexual or otherwise) should feel shame over what happened to them. The person who should feel shame in this situation is the adult who abused the child. Not the child that was abused. Yet, it is one of my worst triggers.

For me, shame was more of a learned response. One that was programmed into me. It grew from the “secret” that I was forced to keep. It’s one that’s been reenacted and reinforced many times over again in my adult romantic relationships and is something that still triggers me to this very day.

I am left alone with the responsibility of healing all of the damage done to me.

The toxic and unhealthy mindsets I learned at the hands of my abusers were what was necessary at the time in order for me to survive the trauma without having a complete breakdown. The ways in which I coped then are behaviors that I learned. In many ways, the abuse was a form of training, mind control, or brainwashing.

As a child, I did not have the mental capacity to understand what was being done to me. My trust was exploited. My feelings were invalidated. My behaviors were judged. My needs were disregarded. Anything I needed I had to either earn, fight for, or accept living without.

I now understand that my sense of safety and security which I should have felt in my own home, was leveraged in order to manipulate, and coerce me. I was used as an object to ingratiate adult sexual desires. Any resistance was met with highly volatile emotional shaming, criticism, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and ridicule which left me questioning and doubting my own feelings. I was triggered on many occasions into extremely panicked states that I can only describe as “existential dread” or possibly even “ego death”. These feelings were repeatedly disregarded and ignored. Any assistance on my part would have triggered a tirade of intolerable shaming and blaming. Most times I would be left questioning my own perception of my experiences, my reality, my thoughts, and my feelings. The damage that these manipulative methods have caused can still be seen to this very day.

I was made to feel like my protests were a painful rejection of all of the “love” my abuser had for me.

I refuse to participate in patterns of toxic and abusive relationships.  Ever again. I used to think that love was a sacrifice. I believed that if I loved someone then I must be willing to put them first, even if I suffer for it. I believed that’s what you do for love. You sacrifice yourself to make them happy. You take care of them and their needs, at the same time abandoning yourself. And in this cycle of self-abandonment, you are training your subconscious brain to deal with the feeling that you are not as important as they are. Or that your needs, thoughts, and feelings are wrong. I began learning how to invalidate and doubt myself for their benefit.

I was sucked into what I like to call the “worst-case scenario” world, which was merely my tendency to overanalyze a person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. I became obsessed with understanding “why”. I feel that comes from a part of our subconscious awareness of things not adding up quite right.

The point I’m trying to make is that I won’t tolerate shame. I’ve probably spent far too much effort explaining my reasoning for this stance but that’s because I was repeatedly forced to question my own perceptions.

I will not discredit my own emotions just because someone else doesn’t understand them. I will not feel bad for mentioning my needs and my expectations. I will not doubt my intuition. I will trust my perceptions and judge a person’s integrity and character by their interactions with me. I alone will decide who gets access to me and my time. I will not regret removing from my life anyone that insists on neglecting my needs while simultaneously pushing me to submit to their demands.

My future partner will respect me. They will understand me. They will protect me. They will value me. They will appreciate me. They will love me and be proud of me.

If you can’t walk down the street with me, hand in hand, post about how lucky you are to have me, or claim me openly to anyone, at any time, then I don’t want a relationship with you and will treat you accordingly.

How can anyone expect me to feel obligated to live up to their expectations of me if they can’t or won’t live up to mine?

Ladies, listen to me on this one. You do not need to earn anyone’s love. You are worthy of those things without bending over backwards to prove that you are. You do not need to doubt your needs, desires, or emotions. The things you value and need are valid and reasonable. You should not have to fight someone to convince them to treat you how you expect to be treated and love you in the way that you want to be loved. They are gaslighting you, and probably toxic as fuck, if they make you feel as if you are asking too much and not doing enough.

You shouldn’t be making any sacrifices for someone who isn’t making any sacrifices for you. You don’t owe anyone any time, effort, emotion, sex, or affection that doesn’t care about doing those things for you.

Narcissists, abusers, and psychopaths are pretty good descriptors of men with selfish mindsets. They treat people like objects that exist for their own pleasure and benefit. At the same time, they will invalidate you, criticize you, disrespect you, lie to you, and manipulate you with an aura of arrogance. They lack both self-awareness and empathy. Yet, they will be the first to cry foul when their energies are matched.

Toxic and manipulative people like this will have you feeling unworthy, inept, and crazy. When you try to respect your time and energy with boundaries, they will accuse you of lacking loyalty. In reality, they are just guilt-tripping you so that you’ll doubt your own judgments. They will persuade you to do more and more for them by slowly carving away at your self-esteem. If you have any childhood trauma, this could provoke a pattern of behaviors in you to “prove them wrong”.

You are not obligated to prove anything to anyone.

You are allowed to act in a manner that protects your time and energy. You are allowed to behave in a manner that respects your boundaries. You do not have to explain yourself to anyone. You do not need anyone’s understanding or permission to live your life according to what you want, need, and desire.

I am an eccentric, intelligent, and opinionated person. I enjoy talking about the things that I’m interested in. I’m of the firm belief that there are a TON of toxic things that society does to perpetuate the painful transfer of trauma. You can rest assured that I WILL speak on those things.

If you think I should just keep my opinions to myself, allow ignorance to go unchecked, or not educate and inform anyone and everyone about the topics I’m passionate about, then maybe you should find someone dumber to date and spend your time with. If you don’t agree with me, then it’s your job to convince me in a manner that doesn’t leverage logical fallacies and actually speaks to the information that’s been gathered and examined about the topic.

Anyone that refuses to settle a disagreement via honest examination of readily available information is deeply (and many times violently and traumatically) invested in hiding behind the Great Wall of Denial in order to protect an insecure ego that isn’t capable of acknowledging the truth.

If you want to hide the relationship, deny your feelings for me, or keep me locked behind closed doors so “people” won’t find out, then you can just go fuck yourself. Literally. Seriously.

I REFUSE to be silenced. I REFUSE to exist unseen and unheard. I REFUSE to be locked away, behind closed doors like some dirty secret.

I REFUSE to believe that what I want is too much. I REFUSE to accept less than what I give. I will not be convinced that my feelings are wrong, or that I value the wrong things.

I have acquiesced myself to the demands of others far too many times in my life to ever again tolerate such controlling and demeaning demands.

The sacrifices I’ve made have led me no where, except retraumatized, revictimized, riddled with doubt and filled to the brim with bitterness.

I am too intelligent to be denied my voice. I am too confident to be denied my right to exist openly. I am too amazing to be shamed for being exactly who I am.

I Just Want to Make You Proud.

At some point in their development, all children want to know and feel that their parents are proud of them. We need reassurance that the things we are doing are “good” and that our parents approve. Feelings of shame manifest when children are repeatedly criticized, condemned, neglected, ridiculed, or otherwise made to feel bad or wrong for their actions or emotions.

When a partner hides their relationship with me, I feel like they are ashamed of me. I feel ashamed of myself. It triggers me back to the emotional states of my childhood and feeling ashamed of the sexual abuse that he inflicted upon me. I don’t ever want to feel that way again.

I’m An Amazing, Kind Hearted, and Wonderful Woman.

I don’t deserve to be hidden away. I don’t deserve to be neglected. I’m truly an amazing person. I value loyalty and honesty. I value hard work and resilience. I value self-improvement. I acknowledge my flaws and am working to heal the damage that others have done to me. I deserve to be with someone that recognizes the value of these qualities and is proud to call me their spouse. I will not settle for anything less.

I always had a serious problem processing the statement “You have to teach people how to treat you”. Because my treatment of you depends more on the kind of person I am versus some intrinsic value of being worthy. I firmly believed that the locus of control in the way that people treat you lies squarely on their shoulders. I’d scoff, thinking to myself “Oh sure, blame me because they’re a toxic piece of shit abuser. *Sarcasm growing…* “Riiiiiiiight…. I’m definitely responsible for the way in which they show up in the world and how they decide to interact with me…” No, you do not teach people how to treat you. What can you do is STOP denying the truth about how they make you feel and then decide whether that’s something you want to accept about them and the way that they treat you.

And if they are totally abusive pieces of shit, that gleefully remind you how pathetic and worthless you are whenever you make an attempt at discussing your feelings, desires, or expectations, then you must realize that no amount of love and self-sacrifice will get their heart to a place where they are capable of loving you. Let alone understanding love.

I’d rather die alone, having never known love, than ever be made to feel that a partner is ashamed of me ever again. If you love me and want to be in a relationship with me, then you had better get prepared to express it. Openly.

I deserve love. I deserve honesty. I deserve respect. I deserve honesty.

I deserve effort. I deserve understanding. I deserve compassion.

I won’t settle for less than everything I deserve, and you can’t convince me otherwise. I am absolutely not asking for too much because I give it at levels higher than I demand it.

I dare you to try to convince me otherwise. Double Dog Dare You..