Leveling Up

This is my goal. This is my passion. This is my dream.

I remember when I was in college I used to joke around and say “I could go to school forever.” It was a joke, but it wasn’t. I LOVE to learn. I love to experience new things. I need to grow. I need to improve. That is what life is about for me.

So, what the fuck is my problem?

I’ve been struggling for a minute. Okay, I can step back and look around me and count every single one of my blessings. I can be proud of all that I’ve accomplished and continue to accomplish. YET, I want more. I want something different. Something purer. Something truer to who I am and the passion that I breathe.

I met a man recently who inspires me. I spent several days talking with him. He challenges me. He calls me out on the way that I think and what I’m doing. In those days that we were together I witnessed many conversations that he had and how he communicates. I listened as he told me his story. I felt inspired. My nickname for him is Teacher.

I also had a good talk with my long-time partner, J, the other day. He knows me so well and is so good at communicating with me. I’ve been depressed and longing for something more for a long time. The feelings come at me in waves. He knows this about me better than anyone.

In these conversations and in my own reflections, I have come yet again to the conclusion that I spend too much time, energy, and emotions chasing people who do not want to invest the same time, energy, and emotions into me. They aren’t at my level and I need to stop longing for them to be.

Who do I want to be?

When I sit with myself for a moment and meditate on my ideal self, I see an artist, a musician, an author, and a performer. I see my days spent painting, playing music, writing, and directing. I see myself surrounded by people who love me and desire to be in my presence.

I’ve realized that I must dedicate myself to my craft. I must once again regain focus and manage my time in a way that prioritizes actually achieving the REAL passions of my heart.

Teacher, Teacher

I don’t know if this Teacher is My King. I only know that he is a King and he’s already inspired me in so many ways. I’m grateful for his lessons. I’m blessed for the revelation. I’m ready for the transformation. I need to transition.

Coveting

I am coveting the wrong things. I’m yearning to possess something external. I’m wanting a specific type of relationship but that requires the other person to want the same thing from me. Something completely out of my control.

Instead, I should be consumed with the desire to manifest all that I have within. I should be coveting my ideal self. THAT is the only thing I can truly manifest.

I am an artist

My passion is painting. To spend my days consumed in my art would be divine.

Do you know how much this Teacher has inspired me??? I started this new painting of Fatty V over a year ago. While we were together I didn’t touch the painting. I couldn’t, I was too depressed.

That painting sat untouched for over 8 months. Hearing Teacher’s story behind his music. I hate to sound like a groupie, but having the man behind the words explain every line to me was mad inspiring. AND even better, he called me on my bullshit.

I have probably spent 40 or more hours with this painting in the last 2 weeks. I’m happy to say it’s close to done. It’s also my favorite painting. I like it even more than the woman in pain that I painted after my Mother’s death. Maybe because it doesn’t make me feel sad.  I feel proud and inspired by the beauty of my own art.

I have so many more paintings inside of me. THIS is what I need to focus on.