What is a “Born Again Virgin”?

If you do a quick Google search for the term you’ll find that according to Wikipedia:

“A born-again virgin (also known as a secondary), is a person who, after having engaged in sexual intercourse, makes some type of commitment not to be sexually active again until marriage (or some other defined point in the future, or indefinitely), whether for religious, moral, practical, or other reasons.”

I can’t say when exactly the concept of the “Born Again Virgin” showed up on my radar and while it might seem humorous for many to think about, I feel it’s an important concept to understand when trying to reclaim your mind, body, and soul after sexual and relationship trauma.

A Born Again Virgin is similar to a Born Again Christian. Both experience a renewal of the human spirit. To experience your virginity born again is to experience a new and infinite love for all that is you. It is to love yourself as your higher self loves you and to recommit to honoring the sacred gift of expressing your love physically.

Intimacy, in general, is lacking on all fronts in modern society. Technological distractions providing instant gratification coupled with exhaustion of being overworked and underemployed, maneuvering through a society on the brink of collapse, in addition to that a decline in face-to-face social interactions has left us feeling lonelier and more disconnected than ever before.

Relationships are often traumatic. Partners don’t need to be violent in order to inflict damage. Years spent feeling unloved, unsupported, and neglected is also damaging. Especially if you are the kind of person that looks to your partner for security and reassurance. (Don’t take my word for it, just look up how suicide rates have been trending for the last few decades).

Sex can provide temporary gratification. It can trick us into believing that there is a deeper connection in a superficial world where real intimacy is rarely, if ever, experienced.

Why do I want to be a Born Again Virgin?

I have never personally had the Born Again Virgin experience, but I think it’s high time that I gave it a try. One of the biggest reasons why this appeals to me at this point in my life is because I find myself yet again at the end of an unsuccessful relationship. In the past I would have thrown myself to the wolves, so to speak, and indulged in my sexual side. Having no obligation to remain loyal to anyone I tend to go a bit off the deep end. A kid in a candy store kind of frensy. (I am a nymphomaniac after all).

But as the old saying goes “When you know better, you do better”. It has taken me 3 decades to discover what my problem is. Simply put, I prop my self esteem up on the attention of others, and no amount of love and attention is good enough, because my self esteem is garbage.

At my core I feel undesirable and unloved. I’m hyper aware of any negativity in tone or demeanor and I instantly take it as evidence that I’m unworthy.

I suffer from CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The main difference between this and regular old PTSD is that my trauma doesn’t stem from just a single event. Instead it was a nightmare that I lived for years. The result is a whole grab bag full of symptoms, including, but not limited to: learned helplessness, emotional flashbacks, chronic depression, unstable relationship patterns, etc. Many people who were diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder have later found that instead they most likely have CPTSD, because there are many overlaps. The significant difference is that CPTSD is created from a long lasting traumatic experience, which results in actual brain damage and significant differences in the way that parts of the brain operate, specifically those dealing with fight/flight/freeze responses. Seemingly neutral or mildly negative experiences can send my mind into a tornado of anxiety that can easily escalate and get way overblown, especially with a partner that lacks in empathy and awareness.

My trauma was also sexual in nature and happened during childhood, which fucked up a whole lot of aspects of my personality, mainly those concerning love, safety, and the expression of intimacy. Things that I learned to do to survive are now manifesting in ways that only harm my relationships.

Relationships are where all my triggers lie. I have had healthy casual sex relationships for years and in some cases, over a decade. As long as I don’t start having deep feelings of love for that person I don’t ever feel my needs aren’t being met. Probably because in those relationships I have minimal, if any, needs. I also have minimal, if any, expectations. As soon as I start loving someone deeply, I start feeling a need for them to love me just as hard and just as deep. I start to expect them to act in a way that prioritizes me. Time with me, sex with me, taking care of me. I start to expect them to plan a future with me. When I don’t get these things I start to see it as evidence that I’m not worth it. It doesn’t matter if the reasoning is logical either. It could be that he’s busy, or not ready to move in. I will STILL feel as if the true reason is because I’m not good enough. And then I just want to run and hide. I want to scream and yell. I want to escape and get high. I want to lash out and push away. I drive myself insane by feeling a rush of all this at once.

All of this leads back to the reason why I’m pursing my second virginity. Most importantly, I so desperately want to heal, and I’ve realized that it’s impossible to do so as long as sexual intimacy has any part of it. I need to be comfortable in my own skin. I need to love myself. I need to only engage in sexual activity for the right reasons. I’ve used it for too long like an addict. I’ve used it to numb the pain of my sexual traumas. I’ve used it to feel loved. I’ve used it to escape reality. To be desired and chased is exhilarating. To have other’s longing for me makes me feel valued. All of these good feelings that physical intimacy provides are just a band aid for the gaping hole that has been left in my heart from what has been done to me.

My second virginity will hopefully provide me with long enough of a break that I can begin to love myself again.

How will I know when it’s right to have sex again?

First, it will be at a time when I want to have sex again. So many times in my life I’ve had sex despite not wanting to. I’m hyperaware and hyperattentive when it comes to sex. I guess I was trained to be that way because of my childhood abuse. I can recognize subconsciously and nearly instantly if someone desires me or not. For the most part I can tell if someone wants to fuck me, especially men. Rule #1 for me has to be that I stop having sex just because the other person wants to.

Second, I need to feel that this person is already meeting and is capable, and wanting, to meet ALL of my needs. My emotional needs must be met. I must be a priority in their life and their love. They must be able to communicate and verbalize their love for me. Their love language must match mine.

My “partnership” needs must be met. I need an active partner and an active relationship. They must be ambitious. They must have hobbies and interests (outside of video games and watching TV/movies). They must have goals and they must be actively working towards those goals.

Last, my physical needs must be met. This feels like the hardest one, because I am so horny and kinky. It’s also hard to know if this need can even be met without actually diving right in and getting it done. In addition, there’s a learning curve to getting to know another person’s body and what they enjoy and don’t enjoy.

I’ve jokingly said many times that the key to loving me is to listen to R&B. All you gotta do is love me like an R&B song.

It all seems so unattainable right now. I must remind myself that the goal in all of this is not to obsess over when I’m going to have sex again. The goal is to abstain from sex so that I can focus on healing. Let’s say that one more time…

THE GOAL IS HEALING!