I surrender.

I give up. I don’t want you anymore. I don’t want anyone anymore. I don’t want love anymore. I want to be left alone. I want to run far, far away. I want to hide from the world. I don’t want to exist. I want everyone to forget I ever existed. I never meant anything to you anyway. I never meant anything to anyone.

I tried to be good.

I tried to be kind. I tried to be forgiving and generous. I tried to show my love in so many ways. I tried to show it in everyway I knew how. There was no price too high to pay. I sacrificed my dreams. I skirted responsibility. I gave more than I could afford to give. I just wanted to show you how special you were to me. I just wanted you to know that you were worth more than material things. Possessions obtained can be purchased again. Success attained could be achieved again. Other than my son, everything around me is replaceable. They’re just objects. Innanimate.

My clothes won’t love me back. My car isn’t going to hold me at night. My house will never care to know who it is that dwells within it’s walls. My office isn’t concerned with reassuring me. This keyboard at my fingertips can not feel. These objects have no loyalty. They are void of all emotion. I find no comfort in them. They can’t wipe my tears away. Intimacy doesn’t mean anything to things. I don’t feel connected to stuff money can buy. I have no love for objects and they have no love for me.

It all means nothing compared to the value of what I seek. I tried to show you. I hoped that you’d understand. That you’d hear what I was trying to say. You meant more to me than all those things. I would have burned it all to the ground just to prove to you that you were worth it. And that’s not too far from the truth of what I’ve already destroyed in the name of loving you. Everything I’ve spent the last 10 years working for is slipping away because of it. I’ve watched this avalanche as if it were happening in slow motion, fully knowing it’ll all be leveled to the ground at the end. I would have happily danced on the ruins, if it meant dancing with you.

It was you I wanted. It was your companionship that meant so much to me. I tried to pull you into my world. I never thought about the price I paid. I would have burned it all down and walked away penniless just for the pleasure of having you walk beside me. Why couldn’t you see it? Why didn’t you feel it? Don’t you care? Did you ever? No, I guess not.

Now, I don’t care anymore either.

I’m shattered. Laying scattered in a million pieces. Too many pieces to try to fit together. Even if I could, why bother? These pieces of me never held any worth to you. You were just as content to walk away as you were to stay. Hell, you probably enjoy the void of my absence. It’s probably a peaceful place to live without my pathetic, desperate, needy ass constantly grabbing at you trying to pull you in.

Love Starved

Being loved starved is probably the most emotionally painful thing in the world. People NEED love. You can’t convince me otherwise. The body of evidence supports this. Love is a physiological need just like food and sleep. Love has played a pivotal role in human evolution. We wouldn’t be who we are or achieved all that we have without it. We are here and achieve so much because of love and the need for intimate human connection. 

But what happens when we don’t receive the love we need? What happens when we are raised in an environment of neglect, abuse, and trauma? We become mentally ill from the coping mechanisms we employ just to survive from day to day. 

Do you see what you’ve done to me?

Do you see how much I’ve changed since the day you met me? Do you see how my smile has faded? Did you notice how heavily my feet fall with every step I take? Can you hear the whisper of every prayer I say asking God for the strength to just get through the next day, hour, minute?

The hope that I clung to for all these years has died. I never wanted to see this day. I promised myself I would never let this part of me die. But I have to let go. I have to give up. You, him, and everyone else has proven it to me time and time again.

I have never be loved. Many have said the words, but have fought me every step of the way when it comes to showing me. I fear I’ll never be loved, but as I look at the men around me I realize maybe I don’t want their low quality bullshit definition of love anyway.

No one will ever see my worth or appreciate my value. When they look at me they only see what they can get away with taking. They exploit my kindness. They ingratiate themselves with my body. The invalidate every emotion and every experience. They lie to my face and move like snakes behind my back. They only come to me to use me and then they leave.