Living with CPTSD is a constant struggle. The hardest thing for me to deal with is Emotional Flashbacks.

What Are Emotional Flashbacks?

Emotional Flashbacks occur when your Fight/Flight Response has been triggered and you are mentally transported back to the emotions that you felt when you were experiencing trauma.

Unlike PTSD flashbacks, there is no specific visual imagery or specific memory associated with the emotions. Don’t get me wrong, emotional flashbacks DO trigger memories, but these memories are implicit, meaning that you won’t be consciously aware of them. Which can make it really difficult to identify that you are even having an emotional flashback. It’s one of the reasons why CPTSD can affect a person for years, even decades before they ever suspect anything is wrong. It’s also one of the reasons why CPTSD is often misdiagnosed as some other mental disorder (like BPD, which also has intense emotions and extreme outbursts). Since there is no specific memory or image associated with the intense feelings, many times the individual triggered doesn’t consider past trauma to be the reason for the feelings.

Being Emotionally Derailed

Before I learned the term Emotional Flashback, I would call these feelings “Emotionally Derailed”. Mainly because I could be having an amazing day and then all of a sudden I’d be overwhelmed with emotion. I often felt like I had lost control, and that I was crazy because of the intensity of the emotions that I was feeling. I typically felt that the emotions were caused by whatever event triggered them (which is only partially valid). It wasn’t until I learned what an emotional flashback was that I began to realize that the intense emotions I was feeling, though caused by something happening right now, were actually more about the way I felt during my abuse.

The emotions most often triggered during an emotional flashback are:

• Fear
• Shame
• Despair
• Sadness
• Anger

I used to feel like there was something terribly wrong with me like I was horribly flawed because I was perfectly aware that my emotional reaction was WAY too intense for the circumstance that triggered it, but I was helpless to do anything to feel better.

In my desperation to feel better many times I would turn to the man I was dating. But my partners were just as uneducated about CPTSD as I was. Which is truly a recipe for disaster. Because your emotional reaction is so extreme your partner may do any number of things that make matters worse, not better. Leaving you to feel even more flawed, and more alone than ever before.

Are you in a relationship with someone who has, or who you suspect has, CPTSD?

So if someone you know and love tends to fly off the handle over little shit, and you haven’t been able to talk them down off the ledge, rest assured that you are not alone. BUT… If you love them, you NEED to start treating them differently.

I’m going to start with the list of recommendations of things NOT to do. Why? First, these should be things that everyone avoids if they want a healthy relationship. Doing any one of these things is quite toxic and damaging. Second, the LAST thing a trauma survivor needs is to be traumatized all over again when all they need is your compassion and reassurance. Last, if you don’t agree with any of these recommendations, then I recommend you end the relationship and leave that person alone. You’re only making matters worse, and if you’re not willing to do the work to be there for them then they’d be better off if you would just go away.

The WORST things you can do when someone is having an emotional flashback…

1. Invalidate their emotions.

You really should never be doing this anyway. Everyone feels things differently, and while you might not understand why someone feels the way they do, you can at least acknowledge that they are being honest about the way they are feeling. Understanding is not a requirement for you to validate another person’s experience.

2. Minimize their experience.

Listen, we fucking KNOW that our emotions are extreme. We don’t need you throwing it in our faces that we’re being “too emotional”. All this accomplishes is to make us feel like we are not normal, defective, or misunderstood. It is an incredibly lonely experience to feel like no one in this world understands you. It’s an incredibly shameful experience to feel as if you are not good enough because your emotions are out of control.

3. Give them advice.

I know you want to help. I know you want to make things better. But the most compassionate and helpful thing that you can do when we’re freaking out is to provide us with a safe environment to express what we’re feeling. Trust me, off the top of your head throw a suggestion my way, then promise you I have considered that as a solution and have tried and tried and tried to implement it to feel better. I promise you, it doesn’t work. Just practice active listening skills and do your best to try to mirror what we say and label emotions.

4. Interrogate them.

Look, I’m sure that this is all VERY confusing for you. I get it. It’s very confusing for the person who’s having the emotional flashback too. But now is NOT the time to play psychoanalyst. You don’t need to understand. I promise you, it’s not about you right now. It’s about them. Your job is to make them feel safe and secure so that their nervous system can relax and their emotions can return to normal.

5. Criticize them.

This kind of goes without saying, but I include it because it’s been done to me more times than I can count. Calling me “crazy”, “psycho”, or a “bitch” isn’t going to make me feel any better. Also, you shouldn’t be referring to this behavior as a reason why you can’t get close, don’t want to have kids, or don’t want to take the next step in the relationship. (Although you very well might feel this way, it’s not helpful, and we’re trying to be helpful, remember?)

6. Insinuating they have any control.

In addition to emotional flashbacks, emotional dysregulation is also a symptom of CPTSD. Emotional dysregulation literally means that a person is unable to control their emotions. Technically, NO ONE is able to control their emotions.

Just imagine for a second that right before your best friend commits suicide they turned to you for help. If I told you to not feel guilty for not being there for them, could you just flip a switch and “POOF” all the guilt is gone? Could you stop yourself from feeling sad? From grieving? I’m going to guess that 100% of you said “No” to those questions. And why exactly is that you think? Because you don’t control your emotions.

In fact, emotions are NEEDED in order to make decisions. Our emotions provide us with valuable information about our environment, and without that information, we’re paralyzed with indecision on what course of action to take.

Of course, I wouldn’t be making these claims if there wasn’t research to back them up. Studies have shown that individuals with damage to their amygdala (the emotional processor of the brain) are unable to learn from, and subsequently avoid, poor decisions.

Now that you have an idea of what NOT do to, we can move on to what you can do to help.

The BEST ways to support someone when they are having an emotional flashback. 

1. If you see that you’re not helping, LEAVE THEM ALONE.

Before I dig into ways you can help, I NEED to say this first. If the person having the emotional flashback only seems to be getting worse (more emotional) and you’re not able to calm them down, then GO AWAY. Whatever you’re doing is making things worse, not better.

Their nervous system needs to rest so that they can feel safe again. Until this happens, don’t bother them. Let them know you love them, but that you don’t think that you’re able to make them feel better. Then give them space. Lots of it. Let them come to you after they’ve calmed down. And for the Love of God, try your best to be supportive so that you don’t trigger them all over again.

2. Remind yourself that this is about them, NOT YOU!

Don’t take it personally. Don’t take offense. You may have triggered something, but you are not the cause of the emotional flashback, the past trauma that they experienced is the cause. Right now you have a truly amazing opportunity to help them resolve the subconscious conflict that triggered these emotions, thus helping them heal, so that next time they won’t be so emotional about it (or maybe not emotional at all).

It’s also an amazing opportunity to build a deep connection with them, strengthening the trust and security they feel in their relationship with you. This might even be the first time ever that someone has treated them with compassion instead of with contempt or criticism. If you can keep your emotions from spiraling out of control right alongside theirs, you have the possibility of strengthening your bond with them, growing the love they have for you, and creating something truly special.

3. Make an attempt to understand what they are feeling.

Ask them questions about what they are feeling, how intensely they are feeling it, and why they are feeling that way. Remember, you might think that their response is completely wack-a-doodle. You might think that any sane person would never respond that way, or have such extreme feelings, and you’d most likely be right in that assessment. But now is NOT the time to be right. Now is the time to be supportive. You don’t need to agree with their feelings in order to understand them.

For example, maybe you forgot to do something they asked you to do. Maybe that thing was incredibly insignificant, or maybe it could be easily rectified. Now they tell you that they feel like you don’t care about them. Instead of jumping at the opportunity to defend yourself (which can feel like invalidation to them), try asking them a question to dig a little deeper into that emotion. Why do they feel like you don’t care? What else do they feel as a result of that initial feeling? Are they angry too? Do they feel abandoned? Hopeless? Alone?

Show that you understand them by helping them label their emotions, and mirroring or paraphrasing what they just said to you. Make sure that you check in with them by asking “Is that how you feel?” or “Am I understanding you correctly?” or “Did I get that right?”

Make sure you remember that it might not make sense to you, and it probably won’t. Maybe you would react in a completely different way. I’ll say it once again, for the people in the back, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU! You are capable of understanding what it feels like to be angry, right? You understand the pain of rejection, right? You do understand that not everyone feels the exact same way about everything, right? Good, because they REALLY need you to understand their emotions right now.

4. Ask them what they need from you. Then give it to them.

So now you’ve validated their experience through understanding. Congratulations, it’s not an easy task to accomplish. Especially if you feel like you are to blame for triggering them. You may even feel a little attacked, criticized, or judged. Those feelings are completely normal feelings to have. But you are not the person in crisis right now, the person having the emotional flashback is, and they NEED you to continue to be supportive and compassionate.

After you’ve allowed them to express their emotions without criticism or judgment, it’s time to ask them what they need from you to feel better. It might be hard for them to tell you what they need. Maybe they don’t even know themselves. Maybe no one has ever gotten this far with them before. Maybe every time they express a need in this frame of mind they get shut down or ridiculed for being so needy.

In that situation, here are a few suggestions you can make to help them feel better:

• Ask them if they need a hug, or to be cuddled.
• Ask them if they would like you to draw them a bath.
• Ask them if they would like something to eat or drink.
• Ask them if they need you to apologize.
• Ask them if there’s something specific that you could say to reassure them of your love and support.
• Ask them if they need you to do something to correct the behavior that triggered them.
• Ask them how you can do things differently in the future to avoid having this happen again.
• Ask them if they would like you to stay, or if they need some alone time to process.

Then do that thing for them. Give them what they need (within reason). Remember not to criticize their needs. It might not be what you would need in that situation, and you might not understand it, but it’s not about you. What you think and what you would need aren’t important right now. You can always bring it up later when they are not in the depths of their trigger.

5. Help them reconnect with their body.

In therapy, they call this “grounding”. Grounding is not a cure for CPTSD. It is a coping mechanism. The person who is experiencing the emotional flashback is stuck in their emotional brain. Their rational brain and their body are disconnected and shut down. When we practice grounding, we are redistributing resources away from the amygdala and into other brain processing centers. Grounding is one form of mindfulness. It reminds us that we are living in the present and not in the past. It reminds us that we are safe now.

Grounding reestablishes the brain’s connection to the body. Grounding helps bring a person back to the present, and away from the intensely overwhelming emotions from the past.

How to Ground in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

One popular method of grounding is referred to as the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Grounding Technique. The purpose of this technique is to engage the 5 senses. The person having the emotional flashback is working through the 5 senses while taking deep and calming breaths.

Name 5 things you can see. I like to focus on one color at a time. For example, name 5 blue things.

Name 4 things you can touch. I like to focus on actual physical sensations I’m presently having. So the feeling of my clothes on my body. My body’s contact with the chair, sofa, bed, etc. The feeling of socks or shoes on my feet. The feeling of the ring on my finger. The feeling of my hair on my shoulders.

Name 3 things you can hear. Birds outside. The air conditioning. The hum of a light bulb.

Name 2 things that you can smell. The fabric softener on your clothes. The perfume or cologne that you or someone else is wearing.

Name 1 thing nearby that you could taste. The juice on the nightstand. The cigarettes in the ashtray.

This isn’t the only grounding technique available. There are dozens of techniques you can try. If one doesn’t work, skip it and try something else. There is no single right answer that works for everyone.

6. Support them in their healing journey.

Ultimately, their healing is NOT your responsibility. It’s theirs. BUT, studies have shown that having someone who is compassionate and supportive can make a HUGE difference in your partner’s healing journey.

In the simplest terms, CPTSD centers around insecure attachments and emotional dysregulation. Although it is a mental disorder, the good news is that because it was caused by environmental factors and not genetic ones, it CAN be healed, and building a safe and secure attachment is the best way to heal an attachment injury. Unfortunately, many people with insecure attachments are subconsciously attracted to relationships that remind them of their trauma. This is because we want to resolve this.

For example, if my father constantly criticized me and withheld praise and affection for my attachment I might be unknowingly drawn to men who are emotionally distant. IF I can reach them and get the love and affection I need, then I have “resolved” the issue that I was unable to resolve in my childhood.

Think of it like this. Have you ever had the experience of talking about a movie, a book, or a song (what it is doesn’t matter much) and you can’t think of the actor, author, or artist’s name? Then several hours or several days later the name pops into your head. THAT’S because our wonderful subconscious refused to let that shit go, and was working on figuring it out for you. And you were completely unaware the entire time of the efforts your subconscious was making for you. Trauma wounds are worked on by the subconscious in a very similar way. This is why many times we do not understand WHY we love someone as much as we do, we just do.

Managing Your Emotional Flashbacks

Unfortunately, not all of us are in loving relationships. As a matter of fact, we probably are with someone who triggers us, because our subconscious is still trying to resolve this childhood trauma. I promise you, the more you learn and explore, the better you will understand yourself and the motives behind the decisions that you make.

As a starting point, I would highly recommend the book “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving”. It has helped me immensely (and I’m not even finished reading it.)

Everything you are feeling will be validated, and you will be given so many tools to use to help you cope and heal.

And since we are talking about emotional flashbacks, I’m going to include the author, Pete Walker’s, 13 Steps for Managing Flashbacks.

Even though I know about emotional flashbacks, they are still hard for me to recognize in the moment. So refer to this resource any time that you are feeling “overly” emotional, just in case your mind is living in the past trauma, and not firmly planted in the present.

Closing Thoughts

I am a Highly Sensitive Person.  I always knew this to be true, even in my childhood. I feel things deeply. Situations that don’t have any effect on other people can penetrate me to my core.

Now, I’m aware that being a highly sensitive person is due to my trauma. But I’m grateful for it. It has made me the person that I am. I have a greater appreciation for people. The depth of my emotions fuels my art and my writing. I truly wouldn’t want to be any other way.

I feel things intensely.

Many times I feel that there is something wrong with me, but now I understand that my depth of emotion is a sacred gift meant only for the right person.

In the past, I was triggered by emotionally unavailable men. I was trying to resolve my trauma by convincing them that I was valuable and worthy of their love and attention. I now know that I’ve been trying to resolve my childhood trauma through my relationships. In doing so I’ve retraumatized myself.

I still long for a man who can match and reciprocate my depth of emotion. But at least now I will be going into it with that knowledge and all the resources I’ve acquired along the way.

When I find him, he will be a sacred gift to me. He will be truly worthy of all my love and loyalty. He will see my value and I won’t have to fight in order to get the love that I deserve.

This is what I pray for everyone that is on the same journey that I’m traveling. I pray that you transcend your childhood traumas. I pray that you recognize your intrinsic worth. I pray that you heal, that you grow, and that you discover the true you underneath all of the misery. There IS hope. I pray that you find it, hold on to it tight, and start taking the steps that will lead you to a life lived fully.