So much has happened in the last couple of weeks. I’ve been super sick, twice. I’ve slept around with WAY too many people. I’ve worked my ass off. I’ve had a lot of fun. But looking back over it all, I still feel hollow. I don’t feel present in my own body or in my own life.

The truth is, I have been chasing pleasure to avoid the constant pain I feel. It has been 20 days since his last email and over a month since he hung up on me. His abandonment of me has been so cruel. I gave so much to prove my love for him. I’m left feeling unworthy.

The idea of abstinence is once again appealing. There are lessons that he taught me that I can not unlearn. I see them plainly now before me. I see how much I am hurting myself with all my sexual escapades. I see the chumps getting their couple pumps and leaving me longing for more. He taught me I’m worth more than that.

My desire to submit to him was all about my longing to be free from all of the distractions that have been keeping me from achieving everything I feel I’m meant to achieve. I wanted to serve a great man and in turn, be led to greatness.

Now I am left hollow. I’m left longing for his replacement. A greater man than him. One that is capable of communication and vulnerability. One that has the confidence to lead. One that pours his love into me the way that I will pour my love into him. One that will never hang up the phone on me when I’m missing him and aching for his return. One that understands it’s not about fixing me, but about loving every little broken piece of me.

I miss holding him the most. Feeling small in his large frame. The softness of his skin. His large hands playing with my hair. My face pressed against his chest.

My problem is that I was always wanting more. No matter how much he gave, I wanted more and more and more. I wanted to live with him. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to know him, support him, and serve him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I told him so many times in a day how much I loved and adored him. The sentiments weren’t reciprocated. I was constantly terrified of losing him.

Is that a problem though? Am I wrong for wanting all those things? All my life I’ve been searching for a certain kind of love. A deep love. A partnership. An intense passion for each other. I’ve gotten pieces here and there from different people, but never the full package. I was so close this time. Yet so, so far away.

Despite my emotions over our breakup, I am much more emotionally stable without him. I keep reminding myself that it is a good thing that he is not responding. He couldn’t give me the emotional connection that I was looking for. He couldn’t open up to me. He wasn’t capable of saying he missed me. I need those verbal affirmations and professions of love from a partner. I need that deep connection and emotional intimacy.

In all honesty, I really need to focus on myself. I need to redirect my energy back into my goals and dreams. I can’t forget that I am a beast of a woman. I have overcome so much. I am fucking amazing.

I have faith that one day I will find a man worthy of my submission. Until then, my razor blade tongue will have the unworthy scattering like roaches.