I sit here in solitude. Wiping my own tears away. Holding myself. Comforting myself.

I hate this!

Yet, I chose it again and again. I chose him. Frozen. We are not together. Never have been. Never will be. So why am I so unable to let go?

I must be crazy.

What else could possibly explain why I would love a man who cares so little about me? I grieve every minute of every day remembering how amazing he made me feel in those first few months. I was so certain of our connection. I was so convinced that he was the one for me. I can’t remember a time that I’ve felt so understood, so seen, so heard, so adored, and so… loved.

He was my Daddy. My only desire was to be his good girl.

He had my heart. All of it. He still has it. I’ve tried to stop loving him. I tried to stop talking to him. I’ve tried to walk away. I’ve tried to convince myself that he will never be mine. I can’t count the number of times he’s said he doesn’t want me. If that’s true then why is he still here?

Why is he still here?

I know why I can’t let go. He has my heart. The thought of never seeing him again breaks me. It shakes me awake enough to keep me clinging to the dream of him. I’m enslaved by the hopes of feeling his love one day.

I live every day unable to let go of this future fantasy I’ve crafted in my head. I’m unable to release this belief that if I’m diligent. If I’m loving. If I’m generous. If I’m affectionate. If I’m understanding. If I give him everything he wants. If I help him. If I’m supportive. If I keep working on improving myself. If I just keep on trying to be the best woman I can be and cater to him while ignoring me. That one day he will be ready to love me. One day he will look at me, see my value, and deem me worthy. One day he will hold me and love me and that feeling will make all of this agony and suffering worth it. All the pain will be worth it, because he’s worth it.

I must be fucking stupid.

A real fucking dumb bitch. Where do I draw the line? How much is too much? Will anything I do ever be enough? Or has he already written me off? Has he already labeled me as unworthy? What have I done to become so untouchable and unloveable in his eyes? Is it who I am? Is it something that I can change? Or is it something that I’ve already done and can’t undo that makes me so detestable? Whatever it is, I don’t know. All I know is that every day I suffer. When will I get it through my thick skull? He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t want me.

HE DOESN’T FUCKING WANT ME!!!

He wants my pussy. He wants to live with me. He wants to work with me. He wants my support. He wants my friendship. He wants my acceptance and understanding. He wants everything I have to offer him and he gets all of it. He needs. I give. He asks. I give. He wants. I give. I would give anything for him. My pain for his pleasure. Anything for Daddy.

I’ve sacrificed time and time again.

Missing work to be there to support him. Giving him my time. My energy. My thoughts. My presence. Buying him food. Funding his addictions. Driving him around. Housing him. Taking on the burden of his existence. Neglecting my own needs. Ignoring my responsibilities. Abandoning my own dreams. Just to make sure he’s okay. That he’s taken care of. Through it all I’m supportive. I build him up. I tell him I’m proud of him. I encourage him to pursue his goals. I believe in him. I love him unconditionally.

He has beaten me. He has rejected me. He’s been cold when all I’ve needed is compassion. He’s invalidated my experiences. He’s made me feel wrong when I express my emotions. He’s withdrawn his time, his understanding, and his ear. He’s not the same man I fell so madly in love with. Yet, I still love him. I love him more deeply now than ever before.

I’ve dug myself into a hole and lost a grip on everything I’ve spent so many years working to achieve. Just so I can give to him. I pour my energy into him. My mind is focused on him. I spend time trying to level him up and teach him everything I’ve learned on my journey. I’ve committed myself to healing him and comforting his spirit. I try to feed his soul. My world revolves around being the woman he needs. I’m obsessed.

My efforts get me nowhere.

I don’t even feel close to him anymore. He doesn’t take the time to sit and talk with me for hours like he used to. He rarely opens up. When I open up I’m ridiculed. I’m invalidated. I’m pushed away. I’m shamed. I’m judged. I’m criticized. He makes me feel as if I’m not good enough, worthy enough, sane enough, or special enough to mean anything to him. Still, all I want is him.

I will never find love.

I will never find anyone to hold me when I cry. No one will ever get close to me. I could never allow it. No one will ever know me or care about me as long as I continue to cling to him. As long as my heart belongs to him I will continue to be lonely.

I long for death.

I pray the Lord will take me home. I’ve been so alone for so long. I’ve never had anyone love me in the way I need to be loved. No one has ever given me the things that I need. No one has ever prioritized me or taken care of me. I’ve always been the one carrying the burden. I’m the one that gives until I’m empty. I’m the one who longs for something deeper. I’m the one that struggles. I’m the one that goes without. I’m the one that pays the price. I’m always the one that chases. I’m the one who obsesses. I’m the one who’s always madly in love.

I’m not saying that I don’t have friends or people that care about me and love me. I have plenty. Yet, one thing eludes me… the depth of intimacy that I crave. I want to be the center of a man’s world for once. I want to be taken care of. I want my needs met. I want someone who’s just as crazy, madly in love with me as I am with them.

I’m convinced that I’m unlovable.

Yeah, I’m a cool person. I’m honest. I’m beautiful. I’m a hard worker. I’m responsible. I’m intelligent. I’m sexy. I’m understanding. I’m affectionate. I’m generous. I’m giving. I’m kind. I’m charismatic and witty. I’m unique. I’m special. I’m amazing.

Most men I meet would agree I’m a pretty damn cool chick. I’m a whole lot better than a lot of these lying, backstabbing, two-faced, lazy, ignorant, selfish, retarded ass dumb fucking cunts out there. Yeah, I have some emotional issues because of my trauma, but the thing I need the most to heal and feel safe in this world always seems to elude me. All my issues could be resolved if only I had someone to love me enough to want to understand me and reassure me in my weakest moments.

But men love bitches.

They love the chase. They love the challenge. They need to feel as if they have acquired something other men can’t obtain. God forbid if a woman wants them. A woman who gives to them unconditionally is only good for one thing… Being used. She’s a doormat to wipe your boots on when you need her. God forbid if a woman treats a man like a king without him having to earn the privilege. Kindness and love just look like desperation and neediness to a man who hasn’t proven he’s worthy of it. Sacrifice just comes across as a lack of self-respect. Effort is just seen as insecurity. God forbid a woman actually loves a man and wants him exactly as is.

I’ve learned that this is not something you can course-correct. Once a man has made up his mind about who a woman is there is no turning back. If you’re just a dumb needy bitch in his mind then there is no way to convince him otherwise. If you try to come at him with demands he will just see them as more evidence for the judgments he’s already made about you. There is no opportunity for a woman to ask for what she needs after she’s already been labeled. You must start off from the very beginning treating him as if he’s not worthy of your time or attention. Treating a man like he’s unworthy makes a woman appear confident. Making demands of him from the beginning comes across as self-respect. Fighting for a woman’s attention is the only path to him loving you. If you’re too easy then you will always be judged as worthless. 

How can I mean nothing to you,

When you mean so much to me?

It matters not what I do.

My love you’ll never see.

 

How could I ever walk away,

knowing what we could be?

How could the waves leave behind,

Their beloved sea?

 

How do I convince my heart,

what it feels is insanity.

I’d rather convince the earth,

It should let go of gravity.

It’d be easer to convince a leaf,

It can live without the tree.

 

To live devoid of whom I adore,

Is to welcome tragedy.