It was nearly a year ago when I began my journey of awakening and the realization of the impact that trauma has had on my life. Until then, I had been living in the fog of denial.

Before last year, I had completely denied that my traumas had any impact on me. It was the pain of rejection that led me to discover that the majority of my behaviors were actually maladaptive coping mechanisms.

“Everybody Has Trauma…”

Many times when I try to open up about my trauma I hear this phrase, “Everybody has trauma” or “Everyone goes through hardships”.

If you say this kind of shit… STOP. This is NOT comforting. This is NOT validating. This is NOT helpful. This is NOT true.

Less than 70% of people actually experience at least one traumatic event in their lives. Of that 70%, only about 10% have lingering trauma responses (behaviors learned to cope with the trauma that are still present) and even fewer develop mental illnesses, such as PTSD or CPTSD.

So NO, everybody does not have trauma. In addition to that, a small percentage of people have the extent and severity of trauma that I have. This is not a measuring contest though, and any amount of trauma can lead to mental illness and cause severe problems in a person’s life.

I believe there are many reasons why people say things like this.

1. To stop me from continuing to talk about it.
2. To suggest that I’m flawed for not “getting over it”
3. To label trauma as insignificant due to it’s prevalence. 
4. To imply that my trauma wasn’t that bad.
5. To avoid acknowledging their own trauma.
6. To insinuate that I’m overreacting.
7. They’re sick of hearing me talk about it.
8. They don’t care.

Do any of these reasons sound like they’d be helpful to you?

If you can come up with a genuinely helpful reason, I’d love to hear it.

What I discovered last year after reading about the topic extensively, is that about 80% of my day-to-day behaviors are trauma responses.

Some of my earliest memories are of Psychogenic Seizures, which are non-epileptic and are caused by severe psychological trauma. I have experienced every single type of abuse (emotional, physical, sexual and neglect), over decades, in different environments, and from multiple sources. I’ve been assaulted or harmed by family, friends, acquaintances, and even strangers.

No place has ever felt safe. 

I have reenacted my trauma in my intimate relationships and friendships (due to denial). I’ve lived a life of disconnection from other people. I have never experienced a romantic relationship where I’ve felt loved or respected by my partner. I’ve struggled with drug addiction as a form of escape. Also, I’m a love and sex addict, an issue that I’ve had since before puberty.

I suffer from Complex Trauma (or Complex PTSD) and chronic depression and I’ve attempted suicide several times. Many of my symptoms of Complex Trauma overlap with numerous other mental disorders, including Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, OCD, Attachment Disorders, Conversion Disorders, Anxiety Disorders, Developmental Disorders, Somatization Disorders, and Dissociative Disorders.

I’ve seen several therapists, I’ve been on medication, I’ve read dozens of books and hundreds of journal articles, I’ve journaled extensively, I’ve utilized expressive artwork, I’ve meditated, I’ve done yoga, and I’ve used psychedelics. Even though I’ve been able to heal some of the issues, or achieve temporary calm, I still experience many of the symptoms on a daily basis, and there are still many more lurking under the surface, clinging tightly to my subconscious, and poisoning my mindset, value systems, and core beliefs.

Despite my best efforts, and now obsessive pursuit of healing, it is very likely that I will die before I’m ever fully healed.

I’ve lived a life filled with pain and loneliness.

I don’t always feel this way. I have my good days too. Yet, the rawness and realness of my trauma can pop up at any moment via an unknown number of triggers (and frequently does). These triggers throw me into an autonomic response that shuts down my cerebral cortex and has me acting in Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn mode controlled by the limbic system (which I call the “lizard brain”).

A lot of the pain I feel is self-inflicted. It manifests from internalized feelings of shame and worthlessness. It’s a result of the self-sabotage and self-abandonment from choosing to keep abusive and toxic people in my life and people-pleasing to win their approval.

Today, I feel hopeless, misunderstood, and unseen. I feel devalued. I have no intention of killing myself, yet for months now I’ve felt I’d be better off dead. The one thing keeping me alive is my son. He is my everything. Yet, I have not been able to fully protect him from the pain of my past trauma.

Only one thing can fix me.

Only one thing can save me. It’s the one thing I’ve been searching for all of my life. It’s the thing that I keep searching for and fighting for. It’s the thing that I value the most…

I’ve been sitting here thinking about it for a while and I can not put it into a single word. I’m unable to name it. There is no word for it even though I feel that it must exist.

Love? Romantic Love? Unconditional Love? Intimacy? In essence, these would suffice. But I’ve experienced love before. Even romantic love. I feel unconditionally loved by numerous family and friends. I’ve also experienced many instances of intimacy. What I long for is more than that.

I want a love that is honest with me. A love that prioritizes me. A love that nurtures me and takes care of me. A love that is is expressive by being verbally and physically affectionate towards me. A love that believes in me and supports my goals. A love that knows and understands me. A love that wants to learn what I need to feel loved. A love that will grow with me. A love I can trust.

A love that feels safe.

I’m so tired of feeling used. I’m tired of giving so much and working so hard. I’m sick of being lied to and gas lit. I’m sick of being stolen from. I’m exhausted and completely drained by being the person who constantly sacrifices myself, my time, my money, my energy, my friendships, my sex, my sanity in order to make other people happy. I’m over being taken for granted and unappreciated. I’m done with the lack of accountability, lack of self-awareness, and lack of purpose, passion or integrity. I can’t do it anymore. I won’t waste my time with it.

I need that higher level.

Emotional Connection.Emotional Attraction. Emotional Attunement. Emotional Intimacy.

I won’t settle for less, and I don’t feel I’m asking for too much. Attaining this is just as much of a decision as it is a feeling. It won’t happen over night. It’s a dream pursued from a foundation of mutual love, trust, and effort. It takes both parties desiring it and working towards it.

I’m needy, not desperate.

I will no longer feel bad for being needy. I will no longer shame myself, or take it personal when others are not able to meet my needs. I will accept incompatibility as just that and nothing more. I will not attempt to alter myself or my needs for the purpose of trying to convince someone of my worthiness or value. I will live my truth authentically. I will live unapologetically and honor who I was, who I am, and who I have yet to become. I will attempt to change only what I know to be broken and not make alterations to the parts of me I know to be genuine.

Looking back, I definitely would have considered myself desperate. I sacrificed and I settled. I put my partner first, with little consideration for what I wanted or needed outside of being in a relationship. I chaulked it up as being understanding and non-judgemental. I overlooked red flags because I felt so flawed. I believed that if I didn’t accept them, then who would ever accept me? It’s a belief that I still hold onto, but I practice my acceptance and understanding differently now. I have discovered a distinction when it comes to making sacrifices and forgiving assaults. I get that not every relationship is going to be easy, and life will never stop serving you situations you must overcome. People make mistakes and deserve forgiveness. I will make mistakes and deserve forgiveness.

I draw the line where someone knowingly and/or intentionally causes me pain by treating me or something I value with disregard.

I do not need to sacrifice myself in order to earn love. I do not need to accept toxic and abusive treatment in order to prove my love.

I’m a truly amazing woman. As is. I have a good heart. If anything I care too much, give too much, and love too much. I deserve to be appreciated for everything that I am. I deserve love.

I’m grateful for my suffering.

My worth isn’t depleted with every tear that I shed. It is only through the intense pain that my own maladaptive and toxic behaviors even came to light. In my suffering, I began to question everything. I began to see the role that I play in manifesting it. I started to change my behaviors. I began healing. I learned how to stand up for myself. I began to believe in my intelligence and abilities. I started saying no. I enforced boundaries. I detached myself from being responsible for other people and started taking action on my dreams. I educated myself. I found my life’s purpose.

I do not need someone to love me to live a happy life. Many things make me happy. Most of them do not involve other people. But I do need love to live a life that I’m happy with, because without it I will feel that I have missed out on experiencing something I feel to be profound. Without it I doubt I will ever shake the unsettling conclusions I made over three decades ago about the nature of the world and the character of the people that inhibit it.