I’m Pathetic

There’s no need to tell me how pathetic I am. I already know. I see it. You see it. Everyone sees it. It’s like a blazing neon light that reads “Fucked Up” with a million arrows pointing right at me.

If this sounds like a pity party… It is. If you have no desire to partake then just click away now. Because it’s gonna get pretty damn pathetic.

I just needed love.

I don’t want to be pretty. I don’t want to be good. I don’t want to be sexy. I don’t want to be kind. I don’t want to be intelligent. I don’t want to be beautiful. I don’t want to be talented. I don’t want to be a hard worker. I don’t want any of it. It doesn’t amount to shit. It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t bring me happiness. Nobody fucking cares about any of this shit.

I just wanted love. I just wanted to love and be loved.

I just wanted someone to understand me. I just wanted someone to know me. I just wanted someone to see me and hear me. I just wanted someone to hold me when I cry. I just wanted someone to choose me. I just wanted someone that valued me, cherished me, and adored me.

I wanted someone to love me. To appreciate me and never take me for granted.

I just wanted someone to grab ahold of me and never think of letting go. I would have given anything to feel that I meant something. I would have done anything just to feel like I was special.

But I’m not worthy. Never have been. never will be.

I’m just worthless, unlovable trash.

Nobody wants to love a broken bitch like me. 

Men would rather love a woman that calls the police on them and has him thrown in jail than love a slut like me. Men would rather love a woman that lies to their face than love a whore. Men would rather love a woman that cheats. A woman that breaks their heart. A woman that drives them insane with self down. A woman that destroys their self-esteem. A woman that makes them feel worthless. But love a ho? Never. That’s just too much.

But they can fuck me. They can live with me. They can borrow money from me. They can lead me on while they use me for everything they can get out of me.

Then when they’re done getting what they wanted out of me they throw these little gems of wisdom my way, like “You gotta love yourself.” or “Know your worth.” Basically letting me know that I’m the one to blame because I opened my heart and let them into my life when they knew their intentions weren’t pure. I’m at fault because I didn’t see it. I’m the one that’s wrong because I should have known that they were just using me. They put it all on me because I let them.

I Let Them!!!

I used to believe that I loved myself. I used to believe that I was worthy. I used to have hope that someday, someone would be able to see through all this pain and all this mess. I used to believe that there was at least one person out there that could love all the broken pieces. I was so desperate for love that I gave up friends. I would do anything and everything for them. I would never say no to any request made of me. I would morph myself into whatever form they desired. I would jump through hoops, bend over backward, whatever it took I was willing to do it.

Then when they rejected me and as the tears began streaming down my face they made me feel like I was crazy for being hurt. I was crazy for wanting love and affection in return. I was crazy for wanting anything from them. I was crazy for believing I deserved anything more than being treated like a doormat.

The only thing that I did that was crazy was believing I ever meant anything to them at all.

I don’t believe any of it anymore. And furthermore, I don’t want it. I don’t want anyone’s love. I don’t want anyone’s attention or affection. I sure as fuck don’t want anyone’s dick. I don’t want anyone to ever come near me again.

So just stay the fuck away from me!!!

I don’t need you. I don’t want you. There’s not one damn thing you could give me.

You’ve made it blatantly clear that I will never be good enough for you. You’ve finally convinced me that I’m too broken for you to ever believe that I’m worthy of love.