I’m sorry I wasn’t the best girl for you. When we met I was so broken. Parts of me are still broken. Some parts of me will always be broken. Yet, I’m proud of how much I’ve healed and grown. I’m sorry that my efforts weren’t good enough. I’m sorry you couldn’t see the value in someone that’s willing to change and heal just to be better… for you. 

I’m sorry that I was toxic. I would lash out when I felt you slipping away. When all I wanted to feel was safe in your arms again. You were honest about the baggage you carried. Because of you, I was confronted with my own demons, and I am able to understand the importance of what my heart’s pains are telling me. Now I finally recognize the value of expressing my emotions, communicating openly, respecting my wants and needs, and honoring my boundaries. I’m sorry that I was so immature when we met. I’m sorry that I couldn’t inspire you to heal for me, the way that I was inspired to heal… for you. 

I’m sorry I was so desperate for you that I forgot about myself. I know I came across as needy, but the truth is, you had me falling hard, and fast. You had touched a place so deep within me and pulled out emotions I didn’t know I could feel. I was doomed and damned to fall madly in love with you. I’m sorry I didn’t ask if you felt it too before I went and fell in love with you. I’m sorry you never felt the love for me that I feel inside… for you. 

I’m sorry that I’m still grieving for us. I promise you I never wanted this pain. I never wanted this to end in heartbreak. I never wanted this to end. I should have ended everything when you first told me that you didn’t want a relationship. But what can I say, you felt so amazing I was happy to lie to myself a little longer just to be near you. I was content to postpone a mountain of pain to indulge in a molehill of your pleasure. I’m sorry I blamed you for breaking my heart when I was the one knowingly breaking it… for you. 

I’m sorry but I don’t think we can ever be together. Not because I don’t want you. My body still aches all over for you. I tried so hard to convince you that I was worth at least a chance. I tried so hard to level up, to heal, and be better, only to be rejected again and again and again—all the hope I once held on to has been turned into doubt and pain. I’m sorry it took so long to let go of hope and stop chasing you. I’m sorry I let your actions speak more than your words. I’m sorry I lived in my hope… for you.

I’m sorry I continue to torture myself. You see, love didn’t just stop for me when you told me you didn’t want it. I think that when you truly love someone it never stops. The standard advice to get over you would be to stop seeing you. But even though my heart is breaking, I can’t bring myself to abandon you like that. I can’t stand here and point the finger at you. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel you were to blame. I hope you know that I don’t fault you. Because I’m clearly the one hanging onto this pain. I’d happily endure a lifetime of agony… for you.

I’m sorry I just can’t get over you. Every time I see you I’m hurting myself all over again. I’ve gotten pretty good at hiding it, but sometimes it’s overwhelming. Then all of a sudden I’m overflowing. I’m sorry that I still wonder how things would have turned out for us if you had fallen as fast for me as I had fallen… for you

I’m sorry I was never worthy of you. I’d lived for so long confused by my own toxicity. I didn’t understand it, and I always felt so horrible every time I pushed you away and lashed out at you. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I knew I had issues before I met you but I believed it was just who I was and I had made peace with that part of me long ago. I’m sorry for all the toxic things I said and did, I wish I could go back in time and do it all differently… for you. 

I’m sorry I was so arrogant in my self-love that I didn’t see how I was hurting you. Now, I get annoyed when people say to me “Love yourself first.” What they don’t understand is that my unconditional love for myself is what kept me safely in denial, because I loved all the miserable toxic parts too. It kept me from holding myself accountable for healing my toxic traits. “Love yourself” is terrible advice. Don’t you think? I’m sorry I wasn’t more careful containing my love… for you.

I’m sorry but there will come a day when I must say goodbye. Because one thing that you didn’t change in me is my desire to be in love, and I’ll never find it while still hanging on to you. I’ve learned that my heart will tell me what I need in love, and nothing short of reciprocity will do. I’m grateful for all the growth you inspired me to work through. I did it because I believed you were worthy of my effort, and now I’m a better person because of it. I feel blessed for the lessons because the next man that I love will reap the rewards for all the work I put in… for you.