This past Saturday I brought him to the bus station. We didn’t speak one word to each other on the way there.

I finally put myself first. I finally accepted how little I meant to him. He was my best friend. The only man I wanted in my life. He knew me better than anyone. I bore my soul to him. I gave him all of my heart. I wanted nothing more from him than his love. But I could never get him to see that I was worth it. And while I was trying to convince him I ended up losing everything.

I’m left wondering if he ever cared. Did I ever mean anything to him?

How could I love a man so much that hurt me so badly? Why was I so unable to let go? Why do I feel so bad for choosing to keep myself safe?

I should be relieved. I should be grateful it’s over. Yet, I’m not. This is not how I wanted things to end. I wanted to go back to the beginning. Back when everything was good between us. Back to when we spent hours talking. Back when I had his attention and affection. 

I tried so hard to be good enough for him. Hell, it was my obsession with him that helped me see all the lingering toxic behaviors I still have from all the trauma I went through in my childhood. If not for the agony he put me through I might still be living deeply in denial.

I know that we were trauma-bonded. I know that my attachment to him has more to do with the way I was raised and shown love (or a lack of it) than it does with him being the perfect man for me. I still wanted him. I never wanted to let go. I don’t want to exist without him in my life.

I had to end it though. In the last 20+ years since I escaped my abuser, I haven’t experienced so much chaos and pain as I have in the last year and a half with him. He invalidated me. He rejected me. He used me. He put my life in danger. His presence drove a rift between me and my son. He destroyed my self-esteem. He destroyed my self-worth. He repeatedly showed me how little he cared about me. My life has fallen apart because of him. I’ve lost my motivation. I’ve lost my ambition. I’ve lost my drive. I’ve lost my will to live. 

He’s violent. He’s toxic. He’s abusive. He’s controlling. He’s selfish. The man I’ve come to know is miles apart from the man I fell in love with all those months ago. Yet, I still clung to him. Hoping that my love, my devotion, and my sacrifices would somehow win him over. Hoping that he would see how much I was willing to give and that somehow it would convince him that I was worthy of his love.