People frequently ask me what it is that I want in a relationship. I have a vision in my head of what it is that I long for, but it’s so hard to explain. Many times I’m left saying “I want to be loved like an R&B song”.

Problem is, now every R&B song reminds me of him. It’s hard to detach from it all. I’m still sick over his loss and craving a replacement… can we say “rebound”. lmao

It’s been more than 2 months since he ghosted. I’m not counting the days anymore… I mean I could tally them up if you really wanted me to, but I have no desire to remind myself. I don’t know when the last time I texted was. I deleted all those. I don’t want a reminder. I don’t want him in my inbox. I don’t need more tears. Someday I will delete his contact information. Someday I will delete his emails. Someday I will delete the book we wrote to each other in the beginning. Someday I will delete every picture. Every video. Someday all I will have left is some paintings, a song, and my poetry.

How You Gonna Act Like That?

Despite my best efforts, I was unable to fuck the pain away. In retrospect, I caused way more harm than good. Both to myself and to others.

Where’s a hole you can crawl into when you need one?

I wanted to share my last letter to him with you. I went to his house earlier this month to drop off the stuff that he had left at my house. I cried so much writing and rewriting this letter. I had so much more to say, but what words can one conjure to make deaf ears hear your pleas?

My Dearest Vin. My Fatty V.

 

The only man I have ever called My King.

I have truly failed. I have failed you. I have failed us.

I have allowed my emotions to get the better of me once again. This time managing to push you so far away that you are forever beyond my reach.

My nights are haunted by dreams of a life that shall never manifest.

Fingertips that ache for every inch of your flesh.

Falling asleep to the sound of your breathe.

Will haunt me until my death.

I pray for your success. I pray for your health and happiness. I pray for peace in your heart.

 

Grasshopper

His name is Vin. I don’t care who knows it. It is tattooed on my body for all to see. The name of the King that once owned me. A reminder for the rest of my life of his perfectly placed shoulder kisses. I was his grasshopper. Which is also tattooed on my body. On my ankle. A representation of my location compared to his. I was lesser. He was greater. The way a Dom should be for his sub.

You see, I ALWAYS knew I was unworthy. It’s part of the reason I resisted him so much in the beginning…

Every time we get close
I just run
And the wind on my face
Last rays of the sun
Shine on my skin
My heart slowin’ me down
It’s all that I can feel
All that I can feel
All that I can feel
All that I can feel

Some can touch the hand of love and pull away in disbelief…

It’s not just me, right? I’m not the only one to recoil from intimacy, despite it being what I crave most… Right? I see it all around me. People getting their quick fixes. Barely scratching the surface. I am people now. I am one of many drowning in the shallow primordial puddle. I am acquiescing to animalistic urges in spite of my deeper longing.

Why did he leave once he truly had me? I mean, I know why, it’s because I wouldn’t stop talking to Joey. BUT I wasn’t seeing anyone. I definitely wasn’t physically intimate with anyone. I was truly his. All I needed was a friend to talk to. My support system. I didn’t want to cheat on him. Ever. I wanted to live at his feet, as his grasshopper, for life.

Writing about him now. Allowing myself to really think about him and how he made me feel. No one else compares. ALL I needed from him was just a little more verbalization on his part. More communication. All I wanted was to be closer. So we could fall deeper.

God Damnit, why do I keep spiraling down into this bottomless pit of thoughts circling him?

I need to count my blessings…

If he is gone, then he never truly loved me. I deserve to be loved.

He kept me in isolation. I deserve to have friends.

He didn’t want the same things. I deserve a partner that wants to enjoy life.

I must see his departure as a gift. He opened my eyes. I pray they never shut. He showed me parts of who I am that I have locked away for years.

Despite not being what he wanted, he taught me that I am worthy of everything that I want. He gave me the courage to stay true to myself.

For now, I am left alone with my reservoir of love. I close my eyes and I picture a King before me. Dark and majestic. Powerful. He sees my beauty. My True King is still out there. Desperate for my love and devotion. Searching for my service.