Welp, here again, I go, down another rabbit hole. In my mind, I’m repeatedly slapping myself in the face trying to get “me” to wake up. Wake UP! WAKE THE FUCK UP!

I wish I could explain to you how I feel.

My thoughts are racing a million miles a minute and there is no start or finish, just a dog chasing its tail round and round and round again.

To put it in the most simple terms possible, I like somebody. And not just a little like. It’s a LOT like.

When I am with him I feel at peace. I feel safe. I feel loved, desired, understood, and accepted. I feel I can tell him anything and he won’t judge me. At least, he has yet to make me feel judged.

I was laughing to myself over it last night.

You see, before Fatty V I had no desire for a D/s relationship. “Doms” were irritating, arrogant, entitled, abusive, and annoying. What I wanted was a partner to love and care for me. Then Fatty V came along. He showed me things I have never seen before. His domination was different and though not perfect, it was just enough of a taste to hook me.

His flaw was that he wanted to cage me. You can’t cage a Free Bird. He felt that if he isolated me he could control me. But all he did was suffocate my joy.

The funny thing is, he had me more caged than I’ve ever been before in my life. I was willing to stop talking to friends I’d known for 15 years, just because we had an “unhealthy” relationship (unhealthy in Fatty V’s eyes). I was smitten by him and in many ways I still am. There are times when I’m in the dark in bed with another man, and for a split second, they will feel like him. They will smell like him. Their kisses will land on my shoulders and bring goosebumps to my flesh, and the flood of memories and emotions will wash over me. Overwhelm me. Paralyze me.

In his wake, I was left broken. Isn’t it funny that “Doms” always get so hard over wanting to “break” you? Then once you’re broken… where will they focus that hard on?

Anyway, I was chuckling over it, because he had me EXACTLY where he wanted me, but he bailed. I was too much. I needed too much emotion from him. He couldn’t pour his love into me the way I poured my love into him. I became increasingly more. and more miserable.

I was laughing over it because he PREPARED me for the next Dom. He showed me what I need from a Dom, he triggered the submissive in me, and he taught me what I don’t ever want to feel again.

He wanted to OWN me.

Once he obtained that, the challenge was over, now it was time to step up and act like the Dom that he promised me he would be. He couldn’t step up to his own challenge. Maybe he relished in the thought of extending my torment for years to come, making me pay for the pain I caused him, and when I so easily caved and it became time to show me the reciprocity in the D/s relationship he ghosted.

This guy I’m falling for elicits from me the desire to submit.

It’s his actions. His calm demeanor. As I’ve said before, I can not submit to a man that is a lessor. His dominance was apparent upon our first meeting and has slowly built from there.

Again, I am left with the urge to lie at feet. Serve without question. Hand over the pieces of my tortured heart for an examination.

Herein lies the problem.

I’m too stuck in my own head to weather the examination.

If I didn’t love him. If I didn’t care. Then it wouldn’t matter what he thinks of me. At the end of the day, I love myself. But as soon as I start caring, then I start doubting. Can he handle me on my worst days? The days where I’m depressed, missing my mom, triggered by past traumas, and just need to be held. Will he be able to handle the intensity of my heartbreak the first time he blows me off, pulls away or doesn’t reciprocate my emotional expressions?

I am poly, but I want a primary partner.

Will he want to be that for me? I want to fall asleep next to him every night, wake up to him every morning and serve him every day. What if he never wants to live with me?

I told him last night that I wanted him. I said that I have a lot of men who want me, but none of them compare. I wanted to hear him say he wants me too. That there are other women in his life, but that his desire to rule me and my desire to submit to him is unmatched. I should have asked “Do you feel the same?”, “Do you want me too?”, “Is there any chance that XYZ is something that you want to work towards, with me?”

I don’t ask.

I’m terrified that the answer will be a resounding “NO”. So I torment myself instead, living in some sort of delusional hope. Like I’m driving down a foggy highway wishing I could see the road ahead, but terrified that if the fog clears I’m going to drive right off the side of the earth and into the bottomless pit of space.

So what if he says “no”?

What’s the worst that can happen? I don’t end up wasting my time and breaking my heart over someone that doesn’t want the same things in life as me. That’s not that bad.

The hardest part would be having to face the realization that once again, a Dom that I desire has found me unworthy. There are many “Doms” that desire me, but I don’t find any of them “worthy”. HA.

For now, I am left in a state of unknowing limbo.

Stuck between the highs of finding another soul I want to dance with and the lows of discovering once again, it was all a lie. Stuck between love and misery.

I pray God acts swiftly.

Either cementing firmly in my life that which is mine or removing from my life what isn’t meant for me. Whatever the future holds, I’ll accept it, humbly.

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be