Because of my trauma, I have this horribly damaging belief that I’m not good enough. That I am unworthy of love. 

I cling to men that don’t want anything beyond a fuck buddy. And because I’m so terrified of losing them, I’ve allowed myself to be treated below my standards.

I’ve been shut down so many times when I try to discuss what I want and what I need that just the thought of asking for anything from anyone is so triggering that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The truth is, I don’t know how to have these conversations in an emotionally neutral and healthy way. I don’t know how to discuss things like wants, needs, expectations, or boundaries in a way that I’m understood and respected. 

So tonight I’m going to attempt to list what it is I would like in a relationship. Many times I feel like I’m asking for too much or that what I want is too different from what other people value, and thus I’ll never get it. 

But I’m going to set those thoughts aside and just come clean and lay it all out there. Tonight you don’t need to agree with me and you don’t need to understand. 

This post isn’t about what you think or how you feel. It’s about me taking some initiative and action in manifesting a happier and more fulfilling life for myself by being able to express what I think and how I feel… and not feeling wrong for any of it. 

So without further Ado, I present to you…

Siren Vixen’s relationship values, expectations, wants, needs…

• I want a romantic long-term relationship. 
• I value intimacy and friendship.
• I want to understand my partner and for them to understand me. 
• I want to express my love for them by doing things for them that make them feel loved. 
• I want my partner to understand what makes me feel loved and I need them to want to do those things for me. 
• I need to be emotionally connected and emotionally attuned to my partner, and then to me  I want to be able to understand what they’re thinking and feeling without them having to tell me. 
• I want to know what my partner values and what his expectations are so that I can feel confident that the thing I do won’t hurt him or jeopardize our intimacy. 
• I expect transparency. I don’t need to know about everything all the time, and I don’t need to know every word of every conversation. I just need enough to reassure me that your intentions are pure. This is especially important when my insecurities have been triggered. 
• I need someone to show me that they’re safe and can be trusted, and I can only feel secure in a relationship that contains open and honest communication. 
• I need physical intimacy. 
• I need a partner that I can feel comfortable expressing myself with sexually.
• I need a partner that wants to learn how to pleasure me. 
• I need reassurance that I am loved.
• I need a love that’s expressed using all 5 love languages. In order from most important to the least: Words of Affirmation, Physical Intimacy, Quality Time Spent, Acts of Service, Gifts Given
• I need a partner that’s proud of me. I want to be shown off and bragged about. 
• I need to know I’m valued. 
• I need to be appreciated for my efforts, and not taken for granted. I want my partner to know that I do things for them, not because I have to, or am obligated to, but because it is an expression of my love. 
• I need a relationship where we support each other, confide in each other, and can turn to each other for guidance and assistance.
• When I feel truly loved and secure in my relationship I prefer monogamy. I value monogamy because I believe that there is a level of intimacy that can only be reached when two people are emotionally and physically in tune with each other. An intimacy that’s shared is an intimacy that’s deluded. 
• The times I have been non-monogamous are more a reflection of my dissatisfaction with my partner’s ability to make me feel loved and secure.
• I need a partner that can identify and discuss his emotions. 
• I need a partner that is self-aware enough to acknowledge his flaws and actually takes action to become better. 
• I want a partner who’s ambitious, goal-oriented, and puts in real measurable effort to make them a reality.
• I need a partner who contributes financially, and wouldn’t even consider burdening me financially.

I must believe that I’m worthy of all these things. I must know that I am worthy of these things because I value these things. When I’m in love doing these things are as easy as breathing. When I feel I’m loved in return then I don’t feel resentful or like I’m being used, because my efforts and energy are reciprocated, and because we share the same ideals and vision for the relationship. 

I need to focus on my actions to ensure I find and fall in love with a man that is capable of all these things.

Things that are in my control:

• Communicate my intentions and expectations from the start. 
• Don’t have sex with anyone that doesn’t love me, isn’t committed to me, or doesn’t want or value the type of relationship I’m looking for.
• Control who I become attached to and fall in love with by reserving sex and intimacy for those who want and value the same things. 
• Believe in people’s actions and the way they treat me and not their words. Believe my eyes, and keep my emotions detached when deciding who to date, where we’re at in the relationship, and 
• I will not label my emotions as wrong or too much. Instead, I will try to understand my feelings and their origins. 
• Walk away from anyone that doesn’t appreciate me, disrespects me, abuses me, shames me, makes me feel unworthy, lies to me, steals from me, or intends to hurt me.
• Focus on me. Focus on my passions, painting, and writing. Focus on understanding myself better and doing the work to heal.
• Do not shoulder the burden of other people’s responsibilities. Say “No” to requests before my uncommented help and assistance becomes expected, and this is taken for granted. 
• Stay away from closed-off, secretive, defensive, explosive, immature, and emotionally unavailable men. 
• Completely ignore and cut off men who are overly sexually inappropriate, who only want to fuck, or who pressure me into having sex. 

I feel better having written this. I’m still very much in love with fish boi, but he doesn’t want to be a part of the love story I desire and have been searching for. 

Once again I’ve become attached to and fallen in love with a man that doesn’t care enough to even understand my wants and needs, let alone put in any kind of effort to make me feel loved and secure.

Once again I’ve lost sight of myself to chase some beautiful vision of what it could be, only to be disappointed by the reality of what it is. 

When will I stop doing this to myself? Where the fuck have my dignity and self-respect gone? Why do I even entertain men who only care about fucking me and have no interest in making an actual effort in having a healthy relationship with me?

Jesus FUCKING Christ anyway! When will I get it through my thick FUCKING skull that men don’t love sluts. Men don’t respect sluts. FUCKING a man is never, ever going to make him love me. If anything it shows him I’m just a basic whore who uses sex to feel better about the fact that no one wants me. It’s a fucking bandaid on a bullet wound and my soul is hemorrhaging my self-worth. All I’m doing is devaluing myself, and teaching another guy that it’s okay to use me as a cum dump while denying me everything my heart is craving and breaking for… Then my feelings of worthlessness are again reinforced when he falls into the pattern of shaming me, putting me down and making me feel insane for even wanting him in the first place. 

“I’m not ready for a relationship” is just a cute way of saying “don’t come at me with any grievances, because we’re not in a relationship”, or “I’m not going to discuss expectations because we’re not in a relationship,” or “you’re not allowed to feel hurt or insecure because I’ve got no obligation to behave in a manner that respects your feelings because… you guessed it… we’re not in a relationship” or “don’t expect me to be faithful, or honest, or loyal because we’re not in a relationship” I’m supposed to just shut the fuck up and never bring up my wants or needs because I knew going in that we’re not in a relationship, and I went along with it full and well knowing that I’m not going to get anything that has to do with a being in a relationship. 

You know what… You WIN! If you don’t want a relationship with me, then I’m done wanting one with you. I won’t ask you to care. I won’t try to get you to understand. I won’t mention it if I’m hurt. I won’t fight to keep you in my life. Congratulations! You’re free to move however you see fit. No need to consider my feelings. I no longer need your love, intimacy, respect, support, or presence. 

I refuse to drive myself crazy wondering why I’m not worth your effort. I will no longer allow you to determine my worth. The way you’ve behaved has taught me everything I need to know about how you intend to show up. I take full responsibility for how my actions and responses to you have perpetuated and multiplied my own misery. I have no desire to change you or help you figure out how a woman needs to be treated to feel loved and secure. I no longer feel the need to explore the deepest layers of my desire with you.

I no longer want or need anything from you. I’ll make sure to never ask you for another thing, ever again. But you should know one thing…

Do Not expect to hang out at my house. Don’t expect to sleep in my bed. Don’t expect to hold me. Don’t expect my time. Don’t expect my energy. Don’t expect my help. Don’t expect me to wait for you to come around. Don’t expect me to make sacrifices. Don’t expect me to go out of the way to help you. Don’t expect rides to work. Don’t expect me to send you $7 to get your paycheck and let it slide when you “forget” to send it right back. Don’t expect my attention. Don’t expect my love. Don’t expect my adoration. Don’t expect me to put any effort or time if you ain’t willing to do the exact same shit for me. Don’t expect me to share my feelings or thoughts with you. Last, but certainly not least, don’t you dare fucking expect any kind of access to my body, sexual or not. As a matter of fact, don’t you ever fucking touch me again! Get the hell away from me boi. You’re scaring all the real men away that know what they want, know how to respect a woman, and aren’t afraid of experiencing something much more profound than a few seconds of funny feelings at the end of their dick. 

Find some other stupid bitch to dump your cum in while you search for the girl of your dreams. I clearly mean nothing special to you and I’m done gaslighting myself into believing that I will never, ever be important enough for you to care about making any effort for me. I’ve already convinced you that I’m not worth the effort by the way I have allowed you to repeatedly come back into my life despite how much I’m hurting because of the way you treat me.

I pray that you find happiness with the ignorant bitch that’s accepting of your disrespect, invalidation, need for “privacy”, inability to communicate, lack of effort, lack of self-awareness, lack of accountability, and everything else you expect me to settle for.