There’s no one in the world like him. Yeah, yeah, I know it sounds cliche. Like some sappy romance novel bullshit. I’m not so ignorant that I don’t understand that everyone is unique. But this man… This man has a hold of me. It’s not healthy. Obsessing like this. It wears on you having this much desire bottled up. It’s torture having to force myself to stay away. Not reach for him. Not to touch him. 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told myself I’m done. This time I’m going to walk away. This time I’m going to move on. I deserve to be with someone who loves me, who adores me, who desires me too. But I know that it wouldn’t be fair for me to be with anyone else as long as my heart still aches for him. There’s a line of men who want my attention. Good men. Understanding men. Successful men. Men who keep reaching out. Who keep pursuing me, despite the walls that I put up. Despite the distance that I maintain.

How could I entertain anyone else when he is the one that has my heart? He’s the one I long for. He’s the one I ache for. No one else will do. 

I know that I should just move on. I should let him go. I should stop loving him. Believe me, if I could, I would have done it already. I’ve prayed to God that I’m released from this spell. I’ve prayed that I stop feeling this way. It’s misery I tell you. It’s agony to feel so much for a person when they don’t have the same feelings for you.

No one understands why. Hell, I don’t even understand it. Why would I keep hanging on to a man that doesn’t want me? Why would I cling so tightly when I know that it’s only bringing me heartbreak? I know the toxic cycle that I’m in. The more I reach out to him the more I push him away. I’m sure that I seem desperate. Needy. Pathetic. No one is attracted to that kind of energy. But I’m none of those things for anyone else, only for him. He makes me that way. 

No one is able to see what it is about him that I’m so addicted to. I could run down a whole list of the reasons why I love him. But at the end of it, I’d be able to admit that many people have those qualities. I’m sure lots of people have those qualities, and then some. But he’s the one that touches me deeper than I’ve ever known. It’s a bond that tethers me. Like a dog on a leash. And like a dog, I am loyal to him. Like a dog, I’m dancing in joy when he comes back around. Like a dog, I piss myself, tail tucked between my legs in shame when he’s upset with me. Like a dog, I crave his attention and seek his affection. Like a dog, I’m on a leash, but my master doesn’t desire to hold the reigns. 

I wish that someday I’m blessed with the opportunity to feel the kind of love for me that I have for him. But I can not say that he is wrong for not accepting my love and loving me in return. The heart is a fickle thing and he just does not feel that way for me. I can’t make him love me. I can’t make him want to be with me. I can’t force a heart to feel something it doesn’t feel. 

I can’t say that if someone came into my life and fell in love with me this way it would be a good enough reason to go for it. He could get on his knees and beg me for a chance, which would probably make me even more resilient in my choice. I would think it unfair and I wouldn’t want to hurt him. 

I don’t blame him. He’s doing the honorable thing here. He’s refusing the live the lie. He’s staying true to his heart. He’s probably saving me worlds of pain that would inevitably come. He could have easily used my love against me. He could have used me. Taken advantage of me. And I would have let him. Happily. I would have blissfully lived the lie. Until the day it all came crashing down around me. I don’t think that I would be able to bear it. 

For now, I live in limbo. I live in a daze. I live in a fog. I live every day unable to shake free. I live simultaneously in the memory of the months I once had with him and the daydream of the lifetime that I desire. I live in this hell of having him in my life but never having him. I feel as if I’m a starving child, face pressed against the glass of the candy store. My belly empty and aching as I peer through the glass and into the realm of what I desire and what I can not have. But unlike the starving child, whose belly ache could be soothed by any number of foods, I fear my heart will always ache for him. No matter how much love is poured into me I fear only his love will bring relief. No one else will do.