Originally, this blog post was going to be titled “For You…” I was in the throws of my submission. Feeling the uncontrollable urge to serve. To give.

I was thinking over and over again about every interaction. Every word. The things left unsaid. I couldn’t stop obsessing over the things I wanted to give.

For You…

My nipple chains. He loved them so much. Every time using them to entice and arouse me. I wore them the last time we were together. On the beach. He tugged at my nipples under the moonlight. As he pulled the chain, he pulled the tethers attached to my soul. As I was driving home the next morning, I secretly vowed to never wear them for anyone else.

For You…

My ass. His thick cock hurts my ass so good. The pain is divine. His hunger as he devours me is… apparent. The last time we were together he fell asleep in my ass. I woke in the early hours of the morning. Despite being exhausted and sleep-deprived, I ached to have more of him. Feeling the pain of having him in my ass still. I pressed against him. Grinding. Hoping to feel him grow inside of me. Hoping to hear his animalist growl as he wakes. And takes. As I was driving home the next morning, I quietly vowed to never share my ass with anyone else. Unless under his direct order.

For You…

I was losing myself again. Secretly deciding about which parts to hold sacred for only him. Quietly blind to the aching of my own heart. Deliberating on what else I have of myself to give. Wondering exactly what actions it would take to invoke the emotions that I seek. What else can I possibly offer?

For You…

My offerings are a signal in the night. A secret message that only the ones that speak the same language could decipher.

I wait for an echo in the dark. A sacred transmission that only I can see. A reciprocity of frequency.

For You…

This is my MO. This is how I operate. I am a highly sensitive person. I long for depth in connection. There is this broken part inside of me that believes if I just give wholly and freely of myself that my emotion will be reciprocated. That someone will see my value and appreciate all that I have to offer. That someone will hold on hard and tight, terrified by the thought of ever losing me. That they will love just as hard and just as deeply as I do. That they will never want to let go.

I have given so much in the name of love. I have lost parts of myself. I’ve done it so often that it’s sickening. I do it until I’m empty.

But I am learning. I am growing. I am transforming. I am becoming the person I want to be. The woman I have envisioned for so many years. The Matriarch is emerging. My destiny is materializing.

I must focus. I must meditate. I must pray.

I need to remind myself, over and over again…

ALL that LOVE I POUR so FREELY into others, NEEDS to be POURED REPEATEDLY INTO ME!

This is the only way I’ll break free. It is the only way I’ll survive without being drained. I must live with love for myself and faith in the process.

Alpha Submissive

I am the Mistress Siren Vixen. I am an alpha submissive. I do not submit to just any man that calls themselves a Dom. I only submit to WORTHY men.

Your worth depends on the interactions that you have with me. It depends on how you make me feel. It depends on the connection that we have. It depends on the control that you have over your life and your actions. It is about what you are capable of manifesting. It is about the power that you wield. It is about confidence, not arrogance. It is about the trust you instill in others with your leadership. It is about how you rule your world.

I am a Domme. I am Dominant. Looking at the men that have made me feel submissive, I discover that none are worthy of me. Their unworthiness is rooted in their lack of reciprocity, and not anything intrinsically wrong with them. None of them acted as if they saw my true value. I loved and adored them. Handing over pieces of myself with every interaction.

But they don’t love and adore me in the same way. They don’t see the same vision that I hold in my heart. THAT is why they are unworthy. They do not provide the reciprocity that I deserve. They are unable to match my energy or intensity.

How Deep?

In my old FetLife profile, I had a statement that said I do not know my limits because I have never been brought to them.

What a fucking thing to say to get every Dom’s attention. The rest of what I said, and everything in this blog, has mostly fallen on deaf ears. If they had paid attention, they would know what it takes to truly dominate me. That is why I have scaled back.

If someone wants to truly know me. I am here. I am ready for MY King to claim me, but he must be ready to own. I am ready for MY King to own me, but he must be ready to possess. It takes both parties doing their part.

Trust me, I want to know how deep this rabbit hole goes. But I don’t want a Dom to just command me there alone. I can not be in the throws of my submission and servitude if you are not in the throws of your domination of me.

This is not a fucking joke. This isn’t some role play session that we’re gonna have while we’re together and then just forget about, out-of-sight-out-of-mind.

I realized when this new Dom answered the questions that I had of him that the likelihood of him being able to give me what I ultimately desire is minimal, at best.

He is not in a position to match the energy I have to offer.

Why do I desire to give so much?

One word… Reciprocity.

Tell me who I have to be… To get some reciprocity…

I give simply because I have a lot to give. I have a big heart. I love deeply. It is part of my nature.

I give because I desire to receive. I want to get lost. To fade away. Two souls dancing in a dense fog.

I used to think that my love language is physical intimacy or words of affirmation. But I’m beginning to think that my love language is obsession.

I want a partner to be as obsessed with me as I am with them.

It never happens that way.

A Disappearing Act

I withdrawal. Recoiling like a worm poked with a stick. You will notice and feel my distance.

Hope departs. Refocusing happens. Adjustments are made. The vision fades.

I live constantly at either high or low tide and I am desperately trying to find some method of dialing back the intensity of both my highs and lows. So that I can find a happy medium where I can function.

But even saying that makes me cringe and gag. I don’t want a life of average emotions. I want a life of intense emotion. I crave the intensity. I yearn for the experiences. I don’t want to die having not lived out the desires of my soul.

The refocusing is so that I may pour the intensity of my desires into myself. Into my passions. Into everything that makes me so unique, so precious.

I am not completely done with this new King. Far from it. I know my writing comes across as somewhat bleak and macabre. But I truly love him and I can not let go so easily. I intuit that I will be in his life for years, in whatever way he allows. I am just expressing the level of despair I feel in not getting exactly what I want when I want it. I’m alive for fucks sake. I WANT TO LIVE!

At least with him, I have discovered serene energy. At least with him, I have found a level of understanding. At least with him, I am able to experience something new, different, and exciting.

I Remain

Despite my blench, I always remain. Ask the people who have known me the longest. Despite any pulling away I never truly disappear. Ask the people who have hurt me the most. Despite any outrage they’ve endured I always find forgiveness and acceptance in my heart. I might maintain a safe distance. But my distance protects me.

I feel I am at my center when I have unconditional love for anyone who has had a glimpse of my spirit.

I remain in a way where I am able to find peace and focus again.

And so I breathe…

I breathe in… positivity. I breathe out… negativity.

I breathe in… focus. I breathe out… confusion.

I breathe in… peace. I breathe out… chaos.

I breathe in… hope. I breathe out… despair.

I WILL manifest everything that I desire.

Side Note: Funny thing, after feeling this way for a day or so I checked my period app and see that I’m 6 days from my period. My last period was late, so who knows when it’ll come. But it goes to show how much my mood is truly altered the days before my period begins. It is best that I’m alone and in my thoughts and writing at this time.