Relationship Gurus Can Eat a Fucking Dick

Ever search for relationship advice and find yourself wading through page after page of vague advice, followed by the ever-annoying pitch that you’ll find the answer in their miracle course that promises you’ll be able to snag any man after its completion?

Yeah, me too. But luckily one of those mostly unhelpful articles discussed attachment styles, which IS helpful when trying to figure out WTF is wrong with you, your man, and your relationship. 

Unfortunately, most of the advice in regard to people with an insecure attachment style is to date someone with a secure attachment. I mean, I understand why. If you are Anxious and your love interest is Avoidant, it can easily spiral out of control as the two of you play out a toxic cycle of triggering each other, pulling you into a toxic relationship based more on trauma bonds than real appreciation and love for each other. 

But I’m stubborn as all hell, and I don’t prescribe to the idea that you should avoid an entire genre of people just because their core attachment traumas resulted in an attachment style the polar opposite of mine.

I also believe that Anxious, Avoidant, and Anxious-Avoidant individuals shouldn’t be rejected solely on one character flaw.

The ultimate goal when it comes to attachment is to become securely attached. This can happen in a relationship if you are willing to make an actual effort to understand what you are dealing with and how to respond in a way that promotes healing instead of inflicting more harm. 

The reason why it is recommended to find a securely attached individual to date is that they have the tools and the ability to help you on your journey to secure attachment. The issue I have with this is that many securely attached people won’t give the time of day to someone that is insecurely attached. Why? Because they value themselves enough to have no desire to participate in an insecure person’s toxic behaviors. 

So, without further ado, I present to you a list of suggestions that I created for those that are anxiously attached to navigating a relationship with an avoidantly attached individual in a way that is healthy and can facilitate healing for both of you. 

Reassure the Hurt and Damaged Child Within

Give him the steady unconditional love that he needs in order to feel safe. 

• “I’m here, I’m not going anywhere. I love you, you can trust me.”
• “You’re doing a great job of showing up in the relationship.” (On the occasions in which he does, you MUST reward it and commend them for it).
• “It’s ok to feel hurt or angry.”

Show your love consistently. Love him for who he is, where he’s at, and without expectation. 

• I’m here for you when and if you’re ready to talk
• I’d love to hear about your day, did anything fun happen?
• I missed you today, did you enjoy your day?

Give Him Space and Privacy

There is no need to fill the space with conversation.

Just being present is enough. 

Too much trying to connect can trigger him to withdraw. 

Allow him the opportunity to come to me and open up to me then he’s ready. 

Prying, snooping, questioning and stalking can make him feel as if I don’t trust him and will diminish his trust in me. 

Expect Him to Test

Be consistent!

The more you give an avoidant love and reassurance, the more you need to expect him to test you. Because he doesn’t believe you really love him. 

Give him the opportunity to feel safe and loved. 

Don’t Chase

Avoidants can’t stand being chased by an overly emotional person. 

Don’t force him to feel emotions he doesn’t want to feel. 

Don’t reach out to him constantly. 

Don’t pressure him to move faster than what he’s comfortable with

Let him know that I trust his decisions in our relationship and that they are good for both of us. 

Let him take the lead, set the pace, and feel confident that I’m comfortable with him being the man in the relationship

Don’t act needy, desperate, or clingy. 

Be confident in my independence and comfortable in my solitude.

Understand that when/if he decides to commit to me I will feel so much better knowing it came authentically from his desire to give it to me. 

Forced commitment will only make him resentful of me, weaken his efforts, and won’t feel as fulfilling

Forced commitment will result in an increase in my insecurities in the relationship because I’ll know it wasn’t chosen freely, and because he won’t be showing up authentically

Forced commitment won’t feel safe for either of us

Forced commitment is not a serious commitment

Don’t Confront.

Don’t attack him for his wrongdoings.

Don’t blame him or make unfounded and hurtful accusations. 

Only bring up grievances in a calm manner and a relaxed setting. 

Don’t question his private life, where he was, or who he was with.

Respect his decisions and if I don’t agree try to understand him

Don’t try to change his mind

Trust him. Trust his decisions and his actions. 

Be His Rock

Remember, he’s avoidant because he couldn’t rely on his parents to meet his emotional needs as a child.

Avoidance is a defense against future disappointment. 

Give him the certainty that you won’t run away or turn cold. 

He needs to know I care and is emotionally available. 

Reassure him that no matter what emotions he has I will still love him and be there for him.

Consistently providing love and physical presence will allow him to trust and relax enough to experience the attachment process.

Be that one person he knows he can turn to for peace and safety

Be vulnerable

Don’t keep my feelings bottled up.

Make sure I understand the core reason for my feelings before expressing them

• Express to him how he helps me to open up and be vulnerable with him and how valuable that is to me
• He’s special to me and unlike anyone I’ve ever met. I feel safe communicating with him and showing him my truest nature because he doesn’t judge me or hold me to unreasonable expectations
• Express how committed I am to making this work
• I’m not going anywhere.
• I want his love and commitment someday, but I’m content with what we have and growing closer at his pace
• Express how much I care about a future with him
• There’s no one else that makes me feel the way that he does. 
• The friendship and connection that we already have is something that I desire in a committed relationship. 
• I’m not the easiest person to understand or accept, yet, I feel he accepts and understands me.
• He’s the only man that has ever come close to meeting my sexual demands
• Let him know the costs to me in staying true to him when he’s not committed to me
• His rejection of commitment harms my self-esteem and triggers my traumas 
• I’m unable to express the depths of my love for him without commitment
• I’m missing out on having the deepest connection with another person, which is really important and valuable to me
• By following his lead, I’m forced to address my own insecurities and Toxic behaviors
• I’m unable to give him some things he wants and needs until he’s serious about committing to me

Embrace my femininity and submissiveness in the relationship. 

Be realistic

Don’t make promises I can’t keep

Don’t expect too much from him

Don’t make too many demands on him at one time

Don’t ask for things that are unrealistic or that I know he can’t provide

Don’t compromise too much and say I’ll do things that I know I’m not capable of willing to do

Don’t agree to give up things that are important to me just to please him, especially if it’ll grow resentment 

Be honest with myself and with him about what I need and what I’m capable of giving

Don’t live in the fantasy of what we could be

Don’t fall in love with his potential

Be content in the present and enjoy the journey.

Appreciate him and fall in love with him for the man he is and not what he could potentially be

Don’t try to change him or expect him to change in the way I want, in the order I want, or the things I want.

Respect that he knows best what things he needs to work on next and how he would like that change to look for him

Don’t expect anything to happen fast or at the speed I want it.

Understand that we both must want something deeper in order for either of us to get to those deeper levels of intimacy. 

Discover what’s important to him and take an interest in it. 

What does he value?

What is he into?

Use this interest to connect with him and lower his defenses and get comfortable openly communicating. Once he’s opened up then go for a more intimate connection like touching him, looking into his eyes, or paying him a compliment. 

Participate in this interest with him. 

DO NOT reject him!

His most painful emotions involve rejection and are experienced mainly after his attachment style has been triggered. 

Don’t drop off the radar just because I didn’t get what I wanted in a particular situation

Show him you won’t reject him, even when he’s being avoidant and pulling away. 

Be there for him even when he makes bad choices

Show him I’m there no matter what

I respect his autonomy when making decisions

What he decides won’t push me away

Be patient.

He needs time to overcome his fear of intimacy. 

He needs time to emotionally connect. 

Understand that he needs to feel confident in his decision before he can fully commit

Having anger issues or not regulating my emotions will prevent him from opening up. 

Allow him to open up in the way he wants and when he wants. 

• “You seem upset, do you want to talk or do you need some space to unwind?”
• “I’m here when you’re ready to talk about what’s bothering you.”
• “If you don’t want to talk about it, we can do something else.”

Connect to his soul.

Recognize who he is at his core 

Try to feel any emotion he is feeling

Try to understand where these emotions come from

Recognize, value, and cherish his heart

Try to understand the man he is, what he’s been through, the wisdom he’s gained, and who he wants to become. 

Speak to his Inner Child

• What was his relationship with mom and dad was like
• If he remembers much from his childhood (and what he remembers)
• Ask about the things he went through
• Ask about his relationships with his siblings and extended family
• Ask about his happiest experience
• Ask about his most painful experience (if you feel there’s a chance that he may tell you)

Listen carefully. 

Look for painful memories. 

Show that I understand how awful that must have been to go through and how lonely he must have felt. 

This does 2 things:

1. Helps him feel and name his emotions 
2. Reactivates his attachment system. 

Help him understand the value of emotions

Without emotions, relationships lack richness, depth, and trust.

Suggest to him that emotions are just as important as logic. 

Make sure he knows that I will never think less of him for feeling intense emotions like Shane, hurt, anger, or disappointment. 

Emotions will help us to understand each other, get closer, and meet each other’s needs. 

Build a deep connection

Communicate openly and honestly with him

Don’t stonewall

Make an active effort to connect to him emotionally

Ask about how he’s doing and what he’s struggling with

Show him that I’m available and a safe person that supports him when he needs me

Prioritize and value our emotional connection above anything else

Be affectionate

Show him that I understand him

Don’t judge him

Accept him for who he is and where he’s at right now

Don’t expect or demand him to change

He needs to know he can come to me for

• Warmth
• Joy
• Love
• Acceptance
• Playfulness
• Expressing ideas
• Encouragement and support

He needs to feel confident that I’m a safe place to

• Relax and unwind
• Be accepted and understood
• Be his authentic self
• Experience and explore everything life has to offer
• Express his thoughts and feelings without judgment

Expect him to get angry, and be prepared for it. 

His anger might be out of proportion for the situation. 

Don’t take it personally. 

Try to understand, be supportive, and try to diffuse.

Validate his anger, and try to understand the root cause. But ask that he not take it out on you because it hurts you. 

Remember that avoidant attachment was ingrained in him just to survive. This is a big deal. 

Do not reject him when he communicates this anger. He avoids being vulnerable because of his fear of rejection. 

Control my insecurities

Don’t project my own insecurities into the relationship

Don’t let insecurities from my past relationships cloud my experience of this relationship

Don’t take it personally when he pulls away, it most likely has nothing to do with me.

If it is my fault, I should apologize

Avoid protest behavior, shutting down, or pulling away when I don’t get my way

Acting in a way that’s toxic or childish will only push him away

Be aware of things I do that push him away

• Protest behavior
• Taking action when I’m triggered and irrational 
• Expressing emotions when I’m triggered and emotionally dysregulated
• Demanding things he’s not ready to give
• Blaming him for my emotions
• Accusing him of being dishonest
• Making him feel unwelcome or unwanted
• Being inconsistent in my actions

Respect myself, my goals, and my purpose by giving myself the time and attention I need to grow and evolve

Communicate my needs and boundaries with respect and love

My intentions should be purely to connect with him and communicate with him. 

Show that you are trustworthy by not flipping out, getting abusive, or being violent. 

Do not accuse him of things. 

State boundaries simply. 

• “I feel scared when things get heated like this. Could we both take some time to readjust?”
• “It’s ok to feel angry. But it’s not ok to take it out on me.”
• “I understand. I just need to take a break now to gather myself.”

Because he has a hard time identifying and processing emotions he will have a hard time identifying how to be there for me. 

Express my emotions and needs in a clear and non-blaming way. 

Boundaries must respect both of us

Avoidants can have poor boundaries

• “I would like to know how you need me to respond when you are angry or upset.”
• “How can I help you feel better when you are down?”
• “What can I do to make you comfortable enough to open up to me emotionally?”
• “I prefer talking through my emotions. Is that something you’re comfortable with?”
• “Things that you can do when I’m upset are…”
• “When I get upset or angry I react by….”

Show him that I find boundaries important by modeling healthy boundaries by always respecting the boundaries I hold for myself first. 

Understand what boundaries I need to honor in order to avoid disappointment or feeling like I’m being taken advantage of. 

• Make sure you both know what you’re in the relationship for (what needs you’re looking to meet)
• Discuss how much contact you want to have with each other
• Set expectations for how the relationship will evolve over time
• Talk about how you’d like to handle any disagreements or issues that arise in the future.

Boundaries with other men

Ensure he doesn’t feel threatened by any of my relationships with other men

Ensure he knows that other men in my life could never replace him

My interactions with other men should show him that these men are just friends

Respect our differences

Always expect that he will see things differently and feel things differently

Try to understand his perspective and feelings

Support his growth

Make sure he knows that I believe in him and his ability to achieve everything he aspires to become.

Avoidant is a label that, if used frequently, can feel restricting, but he can heal his attachment and become more securely attached

Recognize his ability to be vulnerable and empathize. 

He should know that I see him as a deeply feeling and beautifully vulnerable individual that I respect enormously

Encourage his ideas, even when I don’t understand them

Support the perusal of his mission and purpose

Recognize his achievements

Be proud of his growth and accomplishments

Show him you will give him the space he needs to grow

Take care of my needs first

He will have a hard time identifying and meeting my needs, so I must prioritize myself. 

Pursue my goals. 

Continue to grow, level up, and change for the better.

By being accepting, loving and vulnerable, I’m inspiring him to do the same.

As he becomes more secure, he will be more receptive of, and attentive to, what I need to feel happy, loved, and safe.

Help him see the importance of commitment

Let him know he’s the only man for you

Let him know how much I would value emotional connection and commitment from him

Tell him that committing to each other would make you feel safe

Make sure he feels how much your relationship means to you

Drop hints about how excited you are when other people commit and get married.

Don’t guilt-trip him or manipulate him into a commitment. It won’t work. He needs to trust I’m safe first. 

Acknowledge my own issues with commitment

• Being hypersexual can result in diminished trust, so I must be very cognizant to be transparent and honest in my interactions outside of the relationship
• My promiscuity is not conducive to marriage and I will have to show up differently and accept my partner’s expectations of me. As long as those expectations are reasonable and not toxic or abusive
• My insecurities can skew my perceptions and cause a lot of issues in relationships
• I can be selfishly independent and inconsiderate of my partner’s feelings
• Conversely, I can be overly giving, resulting in self-abandonment
• I have a hard time trusting and feeling safe
• I have baggage from past relationships I still need to work through

I’m ready and I’m self-aware enough that I feel confident that I can work through any of my issues and heal all of my issues.

Re-Frame his idea of love and relationships

This part will happen naturally, with consistency over time. 

Be a consistent and steady place where he can go for acceptance and love. 

Once he feels safe, he will open up and begin to form an inseparable bond with me.