If it hasn’t become painfully and pathetically obvious to you by now, I must admit, I am a love and sex addict.

I jokingly like to say that sex is my “Longest and Strongest Addictions”. But the sad part is, it’s not a joke. It’s true. I’ve used sex all of my life to numb the pain. A quick lil cum creates a nice dopamine dump. It’s a little hack that I’ve been using and at times abusing most of my life. 

Except, I’m suffering now. My behaviors have become toxic. I’m rarely satisfied and always seeking that higher level. Always wanting more.

Love has become obsession.

I’ve always been a bit obsessed with my expressions of love. I have this belief that if you love someone then you are willing to do anything for them. Even if it hurts. Or should I say, especially if it hurts? That’s how I show my love. I readily sacrifice myself and my happiness to prove it. My two favorite phrases to say in a romantic relationship are “My pain for your pleasure” and “Anything for you.”

Unfortunately, I do not feel loved unless I am obsessed over. When a partner tells me “No” or rejects me in some way, no matter how small, I feel as if they don’t love me. Actually, the more innocent and trivial the request the more hurt I feel. I can’t help but wonder “Why am I not worth it?” Because I would do it for you. No questions asked. You say you want or need something… BOOM… I’m right there doing that shit. Whether I want to or not. Whether I can afford it or not. Whether it hurts me or not. Whether I like it or not.

I do it because that is what love means to me. That is my love language… Obsession.

My Love Language.

Another funny thing I like to say when someone asks me what my love language is is “All of them.” 😆 But again, the funny part is that I’m not at all trying to be funny. I’m dead serious. I need it all. Because I express my love by giving it all. 

Maybe I’m Confused About Love

Maybe my thoughts about love, maybe my experience of love, and the way that I love is all wrong. Maybe I have no idea what love is. Maybe I’ve never experienced love before. Maybe I never will. Maybe I’m the one that’s heartless and only able to care about myself. Maybe the way that I feel is self-pity and has nothing to do with longing for love. 

Do you see it?

Do you what’s wrong with me? I feel like everyone who has spent any amount of time with me sees it. I feel like every person that I was romantically interested in sees it. I feel like my problem is painfully obvious. At least to the observer it is. To me though…

The problem is painfully not-so-obvious. Maybe this is my denial protecting me. Maybe this is a result of an overwhelmed subconscious, the part of it that’s tired of wondering. Tired of worrying. Tired of wasting resources on something so unsolvable. 

Then, some days I feel like I see everything so clearly. I see this mountain of problems. I see this enormous to-do list of things I need to fix about my mind. The mountain is so enormous that I fear I’ll never scale it. The list is so long that I fear that I’ll die before I ever come close to seeing the bottom of the list. I actually have a Google Doc that’s 14 pages long. I’ve named it “My Maladies”. It’s the result of a few brainstorming sessions where I’ve listed all of my “problems”. It’s evidence of my disconnect with everyone around me, and myself. It’s all of the things that I feel I do wrong. Everything that I want to change and wish was different. 

Love Looks Like…

When I envision love, this is what I see…

My lover is my best friend. He knows me inside out. He understands me. He knows exactly what I need in any of my many emotional states.

He holds me close when I cry. Stroking my hair he whispers in my ear everything I need to hear. He doesn’t interrogate me aggressively. He knows that my pain isn’t something he created. He knows he’s not to blame and there’s little he can do to fix it. 

He feels like I’m one of the most beautiful and intelligent woman he’s ever met. A solid 7 at least. 😆 (That’s a joke, son. One of the many things I like to say all the time.) He feels this way because he recognizes a very innocent, kind, and gentle side of me, not because I’m the most beautiful or intelligent woman (he knows that this isn’t logical). He loves this side of me and he understands that side of me needs to be treated with kindness, innocence, and gentleness. He knows that to behave in any other way would just hurt me. 

He loves spending time with me. He loves my energy and hearing my ideas. He always has something to add or a perspective I haven’t considered.

He loves intimacy with me. He knows my body and how to touch me. He embraces and appreciates my kinky, debaucherous side. He enjoys exploring different sexual experiences, with and without me. He has other partners, but no one else understands him as deeply as I do. He feels that our relationship is rare and special. It’s unlike anything he’s experienced before, and we both find security in our unique connection. He’s loyal to me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. 

We trust each other. He would never hurt me intentionally. He considers my feelings and respects my boundaries. He’s forgiving of my mistakes and sympathetic to my flaws. He respects me and is honest with me. He knows he can tell me anything and everything, and he does. He loves that he can be so open with me and that I want to truly know him. 

He loves my ambition. He encourages me and supports me. He believes in me and can’t wait to see me achieve everything that excites me and makes me feel alive. He can envision that dream just as well as I can. He sees it too and he knows that it’s all possible. 

He has his own ambitions and dreams he’s working towards. He knows that life is so incredibly short. Too short to ever waste a minute on things that don’t feed his soul. He loves how many talents I have, and he isn’t afraid to ask me for help. He knows that asking isn’t a burden because he knows how happy it makes me to be there for him as much as he is there for me. He appreciates everything I do for him and adores the smile on my face when I’ve finished. He knows how much joy it brings me to help him. We are the “power couple” that he’s always wanted and dreamed of. 

He has a life outside of me. He has friends that he’s close to and spends time with. He knows a lot of people, and networks frequently. He has healthy hobbies that he enjoys. He is involved in different ways with a number of organizations and projects. His schedule is full. 

He truly appreciates everything life has to offer him. He loves to explore the world and himself. He enjoys trying new things and going to new places. His bucket list is a mile long. He’s charismatic. He’s able to talk to any person he meets, and he enjoys meeting people. He enjoys knowing people. He interacts with people in a way that heals them and helps them. He honors their individuality and perspective. 

He’s open-minded and just. He’s not racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. He believes everyone deserves to be treated with respect and compassion.

He’s a leader. He sees how society could be better, and he knows what small part he can play in changing it. He’s able to speak to people in a way that reaches them and motivates them to take action. He inspires people, which is important to him. He wants to leave a positive impression on them. One that they will remember, and turn to for inspiration when they are struggling.

He is like me. I am most of the things I just listed. The rest are things that I aspire to be. This is the healed me. The healthy me. This is how I want to show up in the world.

This is how I want to live.

This is how I want to love.