I’ve never had a healthy relationship. Of this, I’m certain.

I want to have a healthy relationship, but I don’t know what that would even look like.

Up until recently I couldn’t even articulate what I needed in a relationship. I never thought about boundaries. I would just fall in love, and now that I think back, I don’t know what I loved more, the person I was with or the fantasy of what we could be. If only they would just…

My mom always used to say “for every finger you point at someone else there are three pointed right back at you.”

I began wondering what was wrong with me. Why was it so hard to get the man that’s supposed to love me to step the fuck up, be accountable, and participate in life with me? Instead, they were absorbed in numbing. Addictions, video games, binge watching, endless scrolling, procrastinating, blame, avoidance, stonewalling, denial.

I carried their weight. I shouldered their burden. I enthusiastically encouraged. I invested time, energy, and finances into their goals.

Every single time the weight became too much. Despite their professions of love, I didn’t feel loved. Despite reassurances that they cared, I didn’t feel cared for.

Hope dies before love for me. If I love you, there will always be love in my heart for you. I will always remember the reasons I loved you. A part of me will always grieve the vision I had for us.

When hope dies I’m done. I stop trying when I’ve lost all hope I had for us and what we could have been. And I’m stubborn as hell, so I’ll keep hanging on and hanging on until I’ve been beaten down far enough that I feel like I’m waking up into a nightmare every morning.

It’s only when I’ve tasted enough of my inevitable future hell that I decide I can’t live the nightmare anymore.

But why must it always be this way? Why did I always have to fight for really simple, basic shit?

Forget true love. Forget romance. Forget a partner. Forget a best friend.

I was the provider. I was a giver. I held it all together. I set myself aside time and time again to cater to them. This was love to me. To support. To sacrifice.

I didn’t know during that time that I was reenacting my childhood traumas. You see, I used to believe that I needed to earn love. That I needed to be good enough before anyone would want to love me.

The problem was, I never felt good enough, no matter how much effort I put in to prove how amazing I am. No matter how much I loved, how much I gave, or how well I behaved.

I knew deep down that I was broken.

I was so desperate to be in love that I never questioned if I was even compatible with who I was in love with. I just needed someone to love me. What I didn’t know was that I was starving for connection.

The school of hard knocks kept trying to beat it into my thick, stubborn skull. But I kept falling in love with people that weren’t meant for me. I was coveting.

Ever since I was a young girl I’ve felt this immense distance between myself and everyone else in the world. I felt alone in my experiences. I felt that no one would understand me.

From my loneliness I’ve grown to loathe everything that breeds disconnect. All around me I’m bombarded with mixed signals.

So many preach that time spent with the people you love is the most precious way to live. I knew this to be true the day my mother died. To have one more…. With her. I would give so much up. I’d wreck my car. Give away all my money. Take a shit on my boss’s desk. Burn down my house and start from the very bottom again and again and again just to hold her in my arms for a few moments. Just to listen to her bitch for a few minutes.

When I look around I’m met with contentment in the normalization of a life spent living in disconnect. When I look within I realize that the disconnect I see is a projection. I’m the one disconnected. Wishing I was content. Wishing I was normal.

Why didn’t I feel connected? What was I doing wrong?

I didn’t have the answers. I still don’t think it’s all completely apparent to me.

I’ve chased various solutions throughout the years. Hoping that this next book, this next web article, this next method would be the key that solved all my relationship problems.

I didn’t understand yet that I was just as much of the problem as the men I chose to fall in love with. I couldn’t see how I was setting myself up for heartbreak.

You might say my picker was off. But that’s not entirely true. Everyone that I loved, I loved for very valid and real reasons. They all had aspects that I appreciated and valued. At that time I was in severe denial of how seriously my traumas affected me.

I loved these men and women BECAUSE they were so flawed. “Oh, you’re an addict. Cool. No judgment here. Lord knows I’m a fucking train wreck.”

I was so desperate for a connection but I felt the only people who could ever accept my fucked-up-ness were those that were equally (or more) fucked up than me. I clung to and started with men that had no qualms about using me for sex while refusing to discuss feelings, needs, expectations, or anything to do with a relationship. I chose men who sponged off of me, watching me work 2+ jobs while they enjoyed drugs and video games and years of acting like a teenager on summer vacation. I was loyal to women who only loved me as long as I had money to throw around trying to make them happy, and didn’t think twice about leaving me once the money was gone. I jumped at the chance to spend time with guys who just wanted to stroke their ego by being the one that brought the hot freaky bitch to the gang bang.

I had to try to make it work with them. I had to fight for them. I couldn’t give up on them. Because if they weren’t good enough to fight for, then I sure as hell wasn’t. If I couldn’t love their loser asses, then how could anyone love my fucked up crazy ass?

I can’t say for certain that I know what love feels like. I don’t know what it would feel like to be on the receiving end of honest effort. I’ve only dreamt of a relationship where I feel equally yoked.

So what the fuck have I been doing my entire God damn life? THAT’S a very good question. I guess you could say I’ve been learning. I’ve been understanding what I need and what I value. I’ve been discovering what I don’t want and will never tolerate again.

I’ve learned that what I have thought was love was most likely just my attachment style being triggered. I have an anxious-avoidant or disorganized Attachment. Or as I like to say, I’m both sides of crazy. 😆 Avoidant partners trigger me the most. They mirror the mixed signals of affection and rejection I felt from my caregivers. I was reenacting my traumas in hopes of resolution. I wanted my happily ever after damnit!

In strolls my near and dear friend… the trauma bond.

7 Stages of Trauma Bonding

1. Love Bombing – showering with love and affection to hook me/you
2. Trust & Dependency – doing anything and everything to gain trust. Depending on me/you exclusively for love and validation
3. Criticism – pointing out everything that’s wrong with me/you. Put the blame on me/you. Demand more from me/you
4. Gas Lighting – denying my/your experience/reality.
5. Resigning to Control – confused I/you give in to all their demands just to try to experience stage 1 again.
6. Loss of Self – expressing my/your needs makes things worse. I/you settle for anything in order to end the fights and have some fucking peace finally. Go ahead and flush my/your confidence down the toilet now cause it’s only going to die a show death anyway.
7. Addiction – I/you become addicted to the highs (cortisol) and lows and your body craves pleasure (dopamine). Congrats! This completes the cycle of dependency that mimics drug addiction.

Except that I’ve been a drug addict. I’ve been through the struggle and pain of getting sober. It didn’t hurt near as bad as having to walk away from someone that refuses to make an effort for you. At least when I was getting sober I was proud of myself for quitting. Breaking a trauma bond with a lifetime addiction to love and sex feels soul crushing. It’s a mix of loneliness, grief, self loathing, worthlessness. I feel like a failure. I feel empty. I feel abandoned. I feel like complete and utter trash. I feel like I don’t belong in this world. Like I’m living amongst animated meat bags who are oblivious to the value of intimacy. I feel suicidal.

Signs of Trauma Bonding aka Red Fucking Flags!!!

Early Warning Signs

• Becoming very affectionate, very quickly
• Declaring that they have never felt like so fast after just meeting
• Wanting to spend every moment together
• Grand gestures like proposing, getting a tattoo, or wanting to immediately move in together
• Jealousy and suspicion veiled as caring deeply
• Having zero boundaries and zero respect for boundaries
• Wanting to commit very fast and announcing it to everyone

General Warning Signs

• When they’re nice you gaslight yourself into believing they care, even while they continually serve their own self interests
• They repeatedly and knowingly hurt you, but you’re always willing to take them back and forgive them at the first sign of attention.
• You defend them to others.
• You are continually trying to explain to them how they hurt you, hoping that they’ll change
• You self sabotage because you’re subconsciously programmed to accept the pain they cause you because you’ve been conditioned to believe you’re not with safety, peace, commitment, loyalty, support, etc.
• You begin believing that you aren’t worthy of attention, affection, or respect.
• They say/do things that devalue you and make you feel you have to fight for their approval
• You know they’re deceptive and disconnected, but you can’t seem to let them go.
• You would do anything and everything for them and are loyal to a fault, even when they don’t do the same for you
• You are losing far more than what you have to gain
• You feel addicted to them
• You are driven to the edge of self destruction
• You forget your worth and value
• You’re willing to lower your standards time and time again.
• You blame yourself for their abuse
• You feel you deserve the abuse
• You defend them and justify the abuse
• You believe you can change them
• The relationship is only composed of highs and lows
• You feel as if you can’t survive without them
• You can quickly go from loving them to hating them
• You prioritize their needs over your own
• You ignore red flags and unacceptable behavior
• You believe everything will magically get better if they would just change
• You are convinced that no one else will love or accept you.
• You constantly break up and get back together
• You feel that you’ve been through so much together that you can’t throw the relationship away
• You cling to the hope that things will work out and change for the better, but it never does
• You feel you need to be saved, fixed, have your existence validated
• Your emotions are a constant chaotic rollercoaster
• You feel like they complete you
• You betray yourself and all of your needs just to feel loved.
• Your relationship mirrors one that played out with your caregivers as a child.
• You have a powerful sexual intensity in the beginning which can cloud your judgment & your sense of self
• You can’t walk away, even when you know the relationship is unhealthy and abusive.
• You stalk then online
• You over-romanticize or losing yourself in fantasies of a future together
• You can’t stop thinking or talking about them.
• You find opportunities to talk about them
• You tolerate things you previously swore you’d never put up with.

How to Prevent Trauma Bonding

• Take your time getting to know them
• Learn about their past
• Don’t jump straight into a committed relationship
• Look out for red flags and signs of abusive behavior
• Ensure that you’re boundaries are respected
• Make sure that their actions match their words
• Watch for inconsistency in their feelings, actions, intentions, and stories
• Be wary of love bombing, being overly charming, or excessive attention early on
• Be cautious if they say all their ex partners are crazy
• When someone seems too good to be true, they’re most likely hiding something or lying to you

Healthy Bonding

• The relationship progresses at a steady pace with almost no extreme highs or lows
• You feel that you are your own person, with a life outside of the relationship
• You love them even when you’re angry at them
• Both you and your partners needs are discussed, important, and respected
• There is a healthy balance of boundaries and trust
• Both of you are growing both separately and together
• You frequently are able to communicate openly and honestly
• Both of you feel that your needs are being met