I KNOW that there are a lot of things wrong with me. Which is a HUGE step in the right direction because there was a time when I thought that I was damn near perfect.

Funny, I’m a LOT better of a person now than I was when I used to think that way. And yet I’m here telling you that I’m fucking flawed. Like really fucked up.

Sooo Many Emotions

I have always been a Highly Sensitive Person. Add to that the fact that I overanalyze the shit out of everything, especially if it’s negative, AND that I have issues communicating and getting clarification.

It’s a nightmare waiting to happen. It’s a nightmare I’ve lived over and over again in so many of my relationships. It goes a little something like this…

Something innocuous or insignificant was done. Or something happened that I misinterpreted.  I get emotionally triggered. I can’t stop thinking about it. The more I think about it the more negative things I find involving it. The more negative things I find the more I recoil from it. All this is happening in my head and the person who triggered me has no idea how I’m feeling. UNTIL my emotions become so overwhelming that I just erupt. Either crying or angry. That’s when I generally figure out that whatever triggered me had little, if anything at all, to do with me.

I’ve been attempting to cope with this horribly vicious cycle with a few methods. The first is that I try my best not to react when I’m in the depths of my emotion. This is the absolute hardest time to reason with me and convince me that what I’m feeling is based on something trivial.

Second, I try to address and understand the issue. Once I’m calmer (I legit can’t be calm until I KNOW) I talk to the person I’m having the issue with. I try to listen and ask questions so that I can understand.

Finally, I try to adjust my emotions based on the new information and not hang onto any feelings that are no longer valid.

It seems to be working, but I truly don’t know because I’m really not allowing myself to be deep in my emotions with anyone. Well, there is the King, but I have already stepped back from him emotionally a bit. I am not putting my hope into him that he is the end-all, be-all, that I once thought he would be.

I’m Broken

I am not a whole person. I am not 100% sane. I definitely have mental health issues.

I have endured a lifetime’s worth of trauma. I’ve been sexually abused by family members. I’ve been raped by family friends. I’ve was molested by doctors. I was sexually assaulted by a worker at the science museum.

Trust me when I say that I KNOW just by looking at a man if he desires me. It is something that you pick up on when you have been through as much as I have been through.

Power Hungry

I learned a LONG time ago that a man’s desire for me was powerful. I could use my sexuality to get things that I wanted. It started with grooming. LIttle gifts and things only for me. The little princess. To let me know how special I was. I felt special and the attention felt powerful.

Now that I’m older, I crave power.

Out of Control

I truly don’t want to live like this anymore. It is one of the reasons why I clung to Fatty V so tightly, despite knowing that he was bad for me. He gave me the only dynamic that I feel can save me. He controlled me. He owned me. With him, I was on track. He satisfied me sexually. I didn’t need another man but him.

A New King

Despite my despair in knowing that this new King will likely never be the primary partner that my heart aches for, I still feel I need him in my life.

My love for him is already changing me. Just like my love for Fatty V changed me. When I see a King that is worthy I can’t help but desire to act in a way that is worthy of him.

I’m Terrified

My biggest fear is that I will say or do something that will push this new King out of my life. I have already reacted emotionally several times to things that he did or said. Last weekend I got all jealous and butt hurt over something that I completely misunderstood. Then when he came to see me we tripped and I had a BAD crying/rage fit.

I had this realization that it didn’t fucking matter how much of a good girl I am, how perfect I am, what I am willing to give of myself, or what I’m willing to do for him. The reality of the situation is that he’s got someone. And it’s not fucking me. It will likely never be me. So I can dance, perform, obey, etc. IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER!

I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch him, kick him, and beat him. I cried uncontrollably. He tried to hold me and I dug my claws into him. Growling with elbows pushing him away. He still held me. He ran his fingers through my hair. Gently caressed my hips. Whispered, reminding me to “Breathe”.

I wonder if he knows what he’s missing. I wonder if he sees what exactly he could have in me.

I’m Addicted

Low key, it doesn’t matter if he’s my primary. That’s just me being overly emotional and getting lost in my feelings of unworthiness.

The fact of the matter is, I’m addicted to him. I have never experienced such intense sexual energy as I do with him.

I am already secretly handing over control to him. We haven’t discussed it yet, but in my heart, I am already there.

I will take him in whatever way that I can have him because his love is like a drug and I am addicted to him.

And when he is through with me I will be even worse off than I was with Fatty V. Because this new King is miles better than Fatty V could even dream of being. This new King understands me. He hasn’t judged me. He doesn’t want to change me. Fatty V truly hated who I was.

This new King is a Twin Flame. I will suffer through whatever agony comes from it just to steal away a few moments of time with him.