“Who…” is the first of five paintings in a series titled “Awakening: Who will love me now?”

This was actually the 4th painting that I created for this series. When I began the series, the concept for the “Awakening: Who will love me now?” series had not yet fully formed. I began like I always do, with an idea, and little concept of what the meaning is behind it. By the time I painted “Who…” I knew exactly what the series was titled, what I was painting, and why.

My art is like that though. I get an idea. Usually an image along with a feeling, and then I just express it. In doing so, my subconscious mind is able to come forward, and eventually, I’m able to express underlying truths that I’ve been desperate to get out. Typically, it’s not until I fully express and take a step back to examine my art for the first time that I’m clued into the deeper meanings behind why I was inspired to create a specific piece of art.

In this piece, there is this large sinister man reclining on his side. His facial features are distorted and his body is abstract. At first glance, you can see that he has three left arms and a devil’s tail.

In the black light, you are able to pull more meaning from the painting. Near his multiple left arms, you can see an outline of some facial features and hair. The green of the girl’s eyes looked to be rolled back, with the whites of her eyes showing below. Her mouth is seen in profile, with lips downturned.

The man’s right arm is over his head where you can see that there are two forms that compose the arm, a small arm inside of a larger arm. The legs mirror this arm in composition, showing smaller feet and legs inside of larger feet and legs. The combination of the scattered facial features, hair, and smaller arm and legs within the larger structure of the man should give you the idea that the painting contains two people. The sinister man, and a little girl that’s trapped there by his three left arms.

If you examine the man’s left shoulder, you get the feeling that there is more hair, along with some pointy horn-like features above this hair. The color of the horns and the devil’s tail match.

In fact, there are two little girls in this painting. The one trapped in his arms is easier to distinguish and is sad, dazed, and confused. The other girl is harder to distinguish and be certain that her features are separate from the man. She seems to be hiding behind him, in an almost mischievous way. Which is fitting for her devilish form.

The man could have three arms for multiple reasons. Maybe it represents the number of abusers that have violated her. Maybe it represents the movement of his arms up and down, along her body.

We get the feeling that the sad girl and the devilish girl could be one and the same and represent a fragmenting of self into a dissociated innocent victim and an unphased imp.

The title of the painting “Who…” leaves us with a very good question about what happened to this girl, and “Who…” did this to her.

The painting is an expression of my own questions about what happened to me when I was a child. I’ve had Psychogenic Seizures since my very earliest memory, which is one of many clues I’ve found over the years about my own abuse. Like the girl, my psyche has been fractured into different personas.

Although, not thorough enough to qualify for Multiple Personality Disorder because I am cognizant of all my personas. Instead of thinking of it as a completely fragmented personality as in MPD, I see it more as separate and distinct behavioral patterns. I have a devilish imp side to me. I have a shy dissociated victim side and many other sides. These behavioral patterns are not completely separate personalities. I see them more as maladaptive coping mechanisms that formed from trauma responses.

All of the paintings in the “Awakening: Who will love me now?” series represent these different parts of me. A journey through the paintings is one through my mind. To understand any of the paintings is to understand a part of my personality and ultimately, who I am.