I should have ended it the first time he laid his hands on me…

…In anger. Cause Lord knows how much I enjoy being abused and assaulted for funsies…

I should have known that I was setting a precedent for the way he’s allowed to treat me. I should have known then that he would never stop. That violence is the way he operates. He told me so himself. He admitted to beating the mother of his children. What he did to me wasn’t the first time he’s abused a woman and it definitely won’t be the last.

He’s broken.

He’s a trauma survivor too. And while I can feel sympathy and compassion for what he has been through, that is no reason to tolerate his abuse. There is no excuse for his behavior. Instead of fixing the things wrong with himself, he has chosen to shift the blame onto everyone else.

I understand him.

As horrible as that sounds. I get it. It’s so much easier to live in denial and continue to blame everyone else around him than it is to take responsibility and hold himself accountable for his behaviors. I’m sure the shame of hurting all the women he’s claimed to love is unbearable.

Deep down he must feel worthless.

Just as worthless as I have felt having a lifelong history of loving men exactly like him. As long as he refuses to acknowledge his issues, as long as he refuses to take accountability for his actions, he will never find the kind of love and acceptance he desperately desires.

The same goes for me.

As long as I continue to allow men into my life that are unable to love, respect, and appreciate me, I will be damned to suffer the consequences. You can’t convince a man that you’re worthy of love by loving him more. You can’t obtain respect from a man that has no desire to hear your complaints, and no intention to ever do anything about it.

Where did the man I fell in love with go?

I felt like we were so close. We were right there. When he allowed himself to open up to me and love me, I felt nothing but peace and safety in his arms. Most of the time he was so loving, accepting, and understanding… in the beginning.

Every time I tried to get a little closer, he would pull further away. Admitting my feelings for him would trigger him. He would reject me and shove me away with his toxic criticism. Reminding me that I wasn’t worth his effort. He didn’t want me.

Over time he’s whittled away at my self-esteem. He told me repeatedly that no man wanted me, that he was treating me better than anyone else. I felt that I deserved to be treated like this.

He told me that no man will ever love me or respect me. Making me feel that the only thing I’m suitable for is to be a punching bag and cum dump.

This is not love. This is control.

Before he came into my life, it was some other man. It was every man I’d ever been with. It is what I’ve accepted and allowed.

I was with my ex, House Cat, for 6.5 years. He never worked. I would beg him to please get a job. Please help me. I would cry that I was drowning, and he was sitting back, playing his PS4 day and night, content to watch me drown.

Today, he is working multiple jobs. He supports a woman he claims he doesn’t love and doesn’t want to be with. She’s the one sitting at home freeloading off of him. HA!

He would try to cheer me up with little pep talks like, “You’re strong, you’ll get through it.” or “I believe in you”. I didn’t need him to believe in me, I needed him to grow the fuck up and carry the burden of his own life squarely on his own shoulders for a little while so I could fucking breathe!

It all screams “I don’t give a fuck about what you’re struggling through or helping you, I just want to use you for as long as you’ll let me.”

I’d like to think I’m a good woman. I work hard. I love hard. I don’t lie or cheat. I make sacrifice after sacrifice for people, in the hopes that they will see that I have a good heart and deserve to be loved and valued in return.

It never matters what the request is.

You could be asking for the most basic of relationship standards. Respect. Honesty. Compassion. Validation. Understanding. Support. This most recent ass clown had the brilliantly genius method of avoiding any accountability by repeatedly establishing that we were

“Not in a Relationship”

So he didn’t owe me anything. He didn’t have to respect me. He didn’t have to be honest with me. He could call up a bitch at 1 am, in my living room, right after pounding my ass into the mattress, and I had to just take it. He could disappear in the middle of the night. Then come home the next day and won’t even say hi to me. This was acceptable behavior, because “we weren’t in a relationship.” Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not use this technique. It will make the person you claim to love, feel totally and utterly worthless.

But wait a minute Siren… Aren’t you a total slut?

YUP! I sure the fuck am. You see… You don’t get to tell me that we’re not in a relationship, then try to control who I’m gonna fuck. We’re not in a relationship… REMEMBER!? You’re not my man… REMEMBER!? You don’t want to be with me… REMEMBER!?

The Difference is…

I’m fucking honest about who I am and what I do. Do you want to know who I’m talking to? Sure, here’s my phone, scroll back so you can see what we’ve been texting about. Do a quick search through all the messages for your name so you can see if we’ve been talking about you. Go ahead. I’ll wait. I KNOW I’ve been honest. I’ve been transparent. THAT’S called Respect. Because if I’m honest to a fault, and you decide that you want to stick around, well, you are able to make that decision from a position of informed consent.

The Difference is…

When I tell you I’m down for you, love you, and am loyal to you, then I will show my respect for you by being completely transparent with you. I won’t lie to you. I don’t hide shit from you. I will tell you everything, whether you like what you’re hearing or not.

The Difference is…

I back up what I say with my actions. You say you’re loyal. You say you love me. You say you respect me. But can you back those words up with actions? Do you act like you’re loyal to me? Do you treat me like you love me? Are you behaving as if you respect me?

If you think that you are respectful, loving, and loyal, but you’re lying and hiding what you’re doing, then maybe it’s time to use your phone to educate yourself instead of scrolling FetLife trying to find your next cum dump.

There is no Arguing with you.

Any time I try to talk to you about anything you make it clear that the conversation will only last as long as your patience does. Once you’ve had enough, the discussion is over, and it’s time for me to shut the fuck up.

You make ALL the Decisions.

Things must always go your way. It doesn’t matter if the things you’re doing are hurting me. It doesn’t matter if I feel disrespected, devalued, or used. It doesn’t matter what I think, what I want, or what I need. I should accept whatever it is that you decide. I should deal with it however you want to treat me. And if I don’t back off, then I’m the one controlling you, disrespecting you, and wronging you.

You Deny My Reality

You tell me that it’s not a big deal. Sorry, for me it is. You tell me that I shouldn’t be mad, I shouldn’t be hurt, I should be depressed. My emotions aren’t valid. You claim that you don’t want me, then why are you here? You say we’re not in a relationship, but I’m not allowed to get away. I’m shamed if I date anyone else. Labeled a slut for not being faithful to you. I must keep doing things for you, spending time with you, supporting you, fucking you. If I refuse. I’m being a bitch. When I try to take back my autonomy, you perceive it as disloyalty. Like I wasn’t down for you from the beginning. Like my reaction isn’t directly a result of the way you treat me.

The truth is, I don’t know how to get the love I deserve.

But I’m a work in progress. I know that my CPTSD makes me a lil cray cray at times. But that’s because a childhood filled with trauma has damaged my brain.

This isn’t an excuse. This is a fact.

So if you think I’m making an excuse, then do me a favor. Read a few dozen books about the topic then come educate me. Until then, there’s a seat in the back for you. Please use it as an opportunity to listen and learn.

The good news is, because this was something that was done to me, and not a result of genetics or biology, I am able to heal.  What’s not helpful for healing is entertaining Fuck Bois and emotionally unavailable ass clowns.

Stay tuned for more healing to come.

I do this to myself.

I give more chances than any man deserves. I cling to scraps of affection, living in this wonderful fantasy of what it will be like when they finally wake up and realize how amazing I am.

I do this to myself.

I accept mistreatment. I allow men to use me as a cum dump. I allow men to pleasure themselves with no consideration for what I need.

I do this to myself.

I’m so broken and depleted. Convinced that I’m not worthy of love. I allow men to remain in my life, loving them, accepting them and supporting them, all while holding onto hope for better days.

I see the best in them. I forgive them. I prioritize them. I support them. I try to change myself for them.

Even now, after having my face pummeled by fist until I’m black and blue and bloody, I still can’t stand up for myself.

Friends and family all think I should go to the police, but I can’t hurt him. I have no desire for revenge, or to make him pay for what he did. His punishment will be served with a life lived never knowing what it feels like to be loved because he is incapable of making a woman feel loved.

I just want to be free from him.

I want to be free from my love for him. I want to be free from my desire to show him what love is supposed to feel like.