If I was still in denial about who I am, I might tell you that I am hypersexual, but the truth is, I’m a sex addict. Sex and Love to be exact. For me, they go hand in hand, and while you can have one without the other, in my opinion, it’s so much better to have the best of both worlds.

Finding my Voice

This blog is an expression of my sexuality, and the struggles I’ve endured while trying to pursue both physical and emotional fulfillment in other people. On these pages, you will find heartache. You will get a front-row seat to my insanity. There will be times that you can relate, and times that you will be screaming at the screen “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” My hope is that through my exploration of self, you will come to understand yourself better. Oh, and there will be lots of pornographic photos, along with some sultry stories about my past escapades.

Understanding Myself

I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This differs from PTSD in that it manifests because of prolonged trauma, versus a single traumatic event. I’ve been labeled as many other things, both officially through professional diagnosis, and unofficially in the court of public opinion. CPTSD encompasses the majority of symptoms I experience, and despite not being an official DSM-V mental illness, it is the best label I’ve found. I have a sneaking suspicion that if it’s ever allowed, the majority of diagnoses made by professionals would need to be reconsidered, if not eliminated altogether.

Over my lifetime I’ve been diagnosed as having, or have displayed symptoms of the following Mental Disorders:

• Posttraumatic Stress Disorder
• Major Depressive Disorder with Recurrent Episodes
• Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder
• Psychogenic Seizures or Conversion Disorder
• Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder
• Bipolar Disorder
• Anxiety Disorder
• Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
• Reactive Attachment Disorder
• Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder
• Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder
• Substance-Related and Addictive Disorders
• Borderline Personality Disorder
• A Variety of Paraphilic Disorders

I’m certain I’d find more if I looked into it further. If you look into the symptoms of these disorders and then compare them to CPTSD, you’ll discover what I’ve already learned, many symptoms of mental illness are actually due to trauma.

I am Trauma. Trauma is me.

From my earliest memory until the time I ventured into the world alone, I was traumatized in one way or another. Sexual, physical, and emotional abuse were common bedfellows. Sometimes I was traumatized every day for years. At other times it was every few weeks or months. On some occasions, those that exploited me were the only people in my life. They were caregivers, family, friends, and lovers.

My experience is not unique.

I think all people can relate to the traumatic experiences of being objectified, pursued, assaulted, and abused by adults when they were young. Women are especially vulnerable. The creeps seep out of the woodwork in pursuit of satiating their sick secret perversions and as children with no experience or understanding of what is happening, we either learn to fight back, freeze, flee, or surrender.

Survival instincts triggered at such a young age take a toll. In childhood, we go through many different phases that are crucial in developing a sense of self, understanding how the world works, and what our place is in that world.

Trauma during this time teaches us many things that are just not true. It hijacks our thoughts. It molds us. It wears us down. It teaches us how we have to behave in order to merely exist.

Acceptance is a Form of Denial aka My Favorite Pimp Joke…

So one of my bitches comes home and finds me in bed with a hoe on each arm and starts losing her damn mind. Accusing me of cheating on her. 

I’m like “Baby, calm down. What are you talking about? There’s no one else here.”

She’s like “What the fuck are you talking about? You’ve clearly got two women in my bed with you right now!”

Then I get all serious and look this bitch dead in the eye and I say “Bitch, you gonna believe me or you gonna believe your eyes?”

My best coping strategy was acceptance. I accepted my reality for what it was. In acceptance, I was able to avoid the further pain that fighting would have brought. I was able to have some control. I developed an almost prophetic intuition. I was able to survive by understanding what behaviors of mine would lead to pain, and which ones escaped it, and I was able to adjust my behavior and act accordingly.

Coping Mechanisms Saved Me and Consumed Me

Acceptance wasn’t my only coping mechanism. The majority of my personality consists of maladaptive behavioral patterns and trauma responses. I still have a hard time separating who I became to stay alive and who I truly am at my core. Once triggered, I unknowingly and unwillingly into a behavioral pattern that I had previously discovered and utilized to endure the torture or avoid further injury.

While these coping mechanisms might have helped me survive at the time, they also infiltrated my psyche. They took over my personality. Until recently I didn’t see how dysfunctional I had become. I didn’t realize that the majority of my personality, behaviors, and views of the world were the very poisons that contaminated and corrupted my pursuit of happiness.

Noping Out

From a very young age, I made the decision to not feel fear or shame. As I aged, I was able to use the technique for a number of things. If I had a flashback, I’d just “Nope Out”, which I can only describe as removing it from my line of sight and benching it on the sidelines of my consciousness.

I remember seeing a therapist in college that asked me once how often I have flashbacks. To which I responded “Never”. She was skeptical and tasked me with paying attention to how many times intrusive thoughts invaded my mind. To my surprise, I discover that the real answer was “All the time”. How could I be completely unaware of this? Because I had become so good at “Noping Out” that as soon as a thought that I didn’t enjoy presented itself I’d sideline it.

Altered Emotions

Instead of experiencing things like fear, pain, shame, etc. for what they were, they mutated into feelings I could tolerate. Some even became pleasurable. Fear became exhilaration. Shame transformed into excitement. Pain was pleasurable. They morphed from something that should be avoided into something that I enjoyed and craved. Inappropriate attention shifted from something that was nauseating to something that I desired in order to feel good.

Becoming an Attention Whore and Sexual Addict

I recognized the power I contained in simply being female. I leveraged that power to get what I wanted. I became instinctually aware of the sick and twisted desires of the men that preyed on me. I manipulated and coerced in an attempt to regain and maintain control. Their pursuits were the evidence I needed to feel valued. To this very day having someone obsess over me feeds my starving ego.

My Awakening

Presently, I am going through an awakening. My eyes are opening and I’m able to see for the first time how I’ve participated in manifesting my own misery. I understand now, more than ever before, who it is I am, and why I am that way.

The process has not been easy. So much of who I am and how I behave is a triggered response that happens at the speed of light. I’ve only become aware of this process due to days of suffering alone repeatedly asking myself the same question “What’s wrong with me?” over and over again.

Who Am I?

Who I am is not who I want to be, and despite my ability to see myself more accurately, I still struggle with implementing the changes that will allow me to become the person I truly want to be and to show up in the world in a healthier way.

I was stuck in survival mode. It is all that I knew. Even when I was “safe” I was still stuck. Hypervigilant, always aware. The familiarity of pain and the comfort in dealing with what I’ve grown accustomed to has led to my tolerance of suffering, and mistreatment.

The Source of My Issues

For many years, I thought all of my problems were external to me. I felt that the world was full of heartless and clueless people. I didn’t feel like I belonged in this world. I believed that everyone wanted to get something out of me. To use me. These beliefs weren’t accessible to my conscious mind though. I was in denial. Big Time.

I could never comprehend the idea that “you teach people how to treat you”. I always believed that people will do what they want to do and that another person’s actions were in no way a reflection of me. I thought the only thing I can control is how I show up in the world. While true, I didn’t understand how these ideas contributed to my suffering. 

I didn’t realize that I was sabotaging myself by the way I interacted and the exploitations I allowed. I didn’t realize that I was seeking those who brutalized and neglected me. I had no awareness that I was trying to rewrite my story. I was hoping and praying for the happy ending that I felt I longed for. I believed that if I treated people with love and kindness they would eventually value me and treat me the same way.

People Pleasing is a Form of Manipulation

I wasn’t acting kind because I am kind. I was acting kind because I wanted to be treated kindly.

In a way, it was an attempt to control other people and transform them into who I imagined  and needed them to be. Instead of changing anyone, I was reinforcing every negative thought about myself that I was attempting to disprove. By loving people who hurt me, I was telling myself that I deserve to be hurt. By being kind to people who were hurtful to me, I was solidifying what I had learned as a child…

The world is cruel. People only care about themselves. The only value I have is what people can get out of me. I don’t belong.

The truth was, deep down I felt I was defective. I believed that things like love and respect must be earned. Because of my unconscious feelings of worthlessness, I became accepting of and complacent to people who mistreated me. I expressed unconditional love for people who used me, abused me, and took advantage of me. Because if I couldn’t love them unconditionally, despite their flaws, who on earth would love me unconditionally with my mountain of flaws?